Alone With God

By the same author

Tortured for Christ

In God's Underground

The Soviet Saints

Sermons in Solitary Confinement

If Prison Walls Could Speak

The Church in Chains

The Answer to Moscow's Bible

Christ on the Jewish Road

Little Notes Which Like Each Other

If That Were Christ, Would You Give Him Your

Blanket?

From the Lips of Children

Alone With God

Richard Wurmbrand

HODDER AND STOUGHTON

LONDON SYDNEY AUCKLAND TORONTO

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data

Wurmbrand, Richard

Alone with God.—(Hodder Christian

paperbacks).

1. Christian faith 2. Faith

I. Title

284.4 BV4509.5

ISBN 0 340 42357 9

Copyright © 1988 by Richard Wurmbrand. First printed 1988. All rights

reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmuted in any

form or by any means, electronically or mechanically, including photocopying,

recording or any information storage or retrieval system, without either the prior

permission in writing from the publisher or a licence, permitting restricted

copying, issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency, 33-34 Alfred Place,

lj)ndon WCIE 7 DP. Printed in Great Britain for Hodder and Stoughton

Limited, Mill Road, Dunton Green, Sevenoaks, Kent by Cox & Wyman Ltd.,

Reading, Berks.

Hodder and Stoughton Editorial Office: 47 Bedford Square, London WC1B

3DP.

CONTENTS

Prologue

7

How We Pass the Time

11

Desire to Escape from the "I"

16

To Know the Holy Thing

21

Morals Apart for the Elect

28

The Absolute Duty of Truthfulness

33

The Spaces in the Bible

40

Sins Are so Small to Him

46

Measure in Delicacy

52

Unreachable Heights

58

Taking Hold of the Skirt of a Jew

65

The Beloved Communists

72

Visiting Myself

78

New Year

84

Before Suicide

89

My Greatness

93

Beware of Narcissism

101

The Shadow Has Been Brought Backward

106

A Religion Without God

114

Should I Pray to be Freed?

120

Mankind is Innocent

125

The Encounter with Lucifer

131

Non-Person

136

Does God Avenge Himself?

140

My Unfinished Requiem

145

Epilogue

152

PROLOGUE

This is a book arising from a completely idle life, a life in

solitary confinement in a Communist jail in Bucharest. I

spent three of my fourteen years of prison alone in a cell,

thirty feet below ground, with fifty pounds of chains on

my feet and manacles on my hands, without ever seeing

the sun, moon, stars, rain, or flowers, without paper or

pencil, book or newspaper, let alone the Bible.

I never heard the slightest noise. The guards wore felt-

soled shoes, and one could not hear their approach.

I never saw a human face except for the torturers,

whose visage was something less than human.

I never saw a colour. I forgot that colours exist -

violet, blue, red, yellow. Always I saw only the grey

walls and my dull grey uniform.

Today thousands of Christians, Jews and other

innocents are in a similar situation in Vietnamese,

Chinese, Soviet, Mozambique, Ugandan prisons. They

have long since ceased to ask themselves the usual

questions that are in the minds of men. Instead, they ask,

Do I live or vegetate? Is what I experience still existence?

Is the whole of life only a nightmare? Does a God exist?

Does existence exist? If God exists, so what? What is the

good of His existing if He does not help us? If He cannot

overthrow evil, how could He make a world?

During my years of solitary confinement I composed

350 sermons. I created them in my mind, because I

Alone With God

could not write them down. I delivered them every

night to an unseen audience. I also committed them to

memory by using the simple mnemonic device of

summarising them in short rhymes, which I repeated

again and again.

When I was released from prison I did not sleep until I

had committed all of them to paper. I managed to do so

for 348 out of the 350.

As one puts a bouillon cube in boiling water to make

soup, so I have diluted these very concentrated rhymes

and reconstructed more or less my sermons.

It has not been difficult for me to reposition myself

again in the atmosphere of that solitary cell, because

even while free I continue to live in prison. I read only

about the suffering Church. I write and preach about

her, I work for her, I dream about her. Though the Jews

left Egypt, Egypt did not leave the Jews. Whoever has

passed through long years of imprisonment remains a

prisoner even after he has been freed.

Some of the sermons I preached to my invisible

congregation have already been published in two

volumes, Sermons in Solitary Confinement and If Prison

Walls Could Speak, which have been well received. Many

readers have said they were edified. This is what

encourages me to present a few more sermons delivered

under those exceptional circumstances.

These sermons focus on the fundamental questions

that torment every man in his subconscious. When one

is faced with them under special circumstances as I have

been, one realises that all other so-called "practical"

thoughts about material or spiritual life are more often

an escape from these ultimate concerns that plague the

soul.

Thoreau says, "The art of life, of a poet's life, is,

having nothing to do, to do something." Many great

8

Prologue

works of poetry have come out of a life of idleness, about

which others have wondered. My idleness in the solitary

cell has helped me to formulate questions. No answers

are needed.

A man went to his pastor asking advice about some

difficult problems. The pastor replied, "Kneel in church

for two hours and you will have the answer."

The man said, "Do you really believe that the good

Lord will appear to me in two hours' time and clarify my

thinking?"

"No," said the pastor, "but you will realise in that

time that you can live well enough with the questions

unanswered and keep perfect trust in life."

This is the conclusion I have reached, too.

Jesus asked on the cross, "My God, my God, why hast

thou forsaken me?" No angel came with a reply, but He

was enabled to bear heroically the pain of the mystery

together with the physical pain and end His earthly life

with the triumphant shout, "Father, into thy hands I

commend my spirit."

I hope my book will serve you to this end.

HOW WE PASS THE TIME

DEAR BRETHREN AND SISTERS

I am sure you would like to know how we spend our

time in prison. I must say, it passes quickly.

When I thought about the possibility of going to

prison and heard stories of food deprivation and

starvation, I was fearful. Now I realise that hunger is

easy to bear. Sometimes a well-intentioned rich man

thinks about the hunger of the poor more than the poor

man thinks about it. Man has often dwelt in situations

where food resources were scarce. Hunger has been the

rule, satiety the exception. So man has elaborated

mechanisms of adaptation to hunger. A Huguenot once

survived forty-six years in prison. She probably did not

have much to eat during that period, yet she survived.

I am not preoccupied with hunger.

For one thing, I travel a lot. Sometimes I hover for

hours over Africa. I can see its darkness, its dense, dimly

lighted jungles inhabited by wicked demons. I see Israel,

the Arab countries, India, China, the vast ant-hill of

Asia, a place of many crimes and few altars. I fly over

Australia, Polynesia, the New Hebrides.

I remember reading how Patton brought the New

Hebrides to Christ. Has his work remained? For years he

preached in vain. Then he dug a well. When the natives

asked him what he was doing and he explained, they

laughed him to scorn. "Water comes only from above. It

11

Alone With God

cannot come from below," they assured him. But it

came. And when they saw it, they accepted Christ and

all the teachings of the Church, though there exists not

the slightest connection between the drawing of water

from a well and the cleansing of sins through the blood of

Christ.

Have Communists come in the meantime and shown

them some greater "miracle", perhaps a tractor, which

might convince them that the whole philosophy of Marx

is true? Such are the foundations of vast systems of

thought accepted by men. A boy enamoured of a

Catholic girl will accept the dogma of the Pope's

infallibility, of the bodily assumption of Mary, and of

transubstantiation. He may believe in it sincerely. He

might even be ready to suffer for it later. But the point of

departure of his convictions is valueless.

I pass to America, the hope of the world for liberty, a

hope which will deceive. I can see Scandinavia,

England, Russia, France, Europe, the place of constant

senseless wars in which nobody is ready to make the

gesture of extending the first hand of real friendship.

But I travel even further. I have this trivial globe, and

mankind. There are other stars and other beings and

other endeavours to stem the stream of evil.

From my stellar pulpit the whole world is my parish. I

pray for all of it, though from a practical standpoint I

can be only a rank-and-file soldier on a very small sector

of the front.

Nobody can fight without interruption. I tap the

Gospel by Morse code through the wall. But I must also

have some relaxation. The discussions by code embrace

many topics: religion, politics, and stories from private

life. Sometimes a prisoner simply entertains by telling a

joke.

Tonight I heard a good one:

12

How We Pass The Time

Three men sat in a prison cell and asked each other

why they had been arrested. One said, "I was arrested

for sabotage."

"What did the sabotage consist of?"

"I came to my job five minutes late."

"And why are you in prison?"

"I am in for spying."

"And what did the spying consist of?"

"I came to the factory five minutes early, and they

thought I was trying to spy on its secrets."

Then the third was asked, "Why are you in prison?"

"Because I came to work punctually, which meant

that I must have connections in the West who sent me a

good watch."

I pay my dues to human nature and laugh a little. But

I weep a little about the tragic background of this joke,

because the three persons mentioned really sit in prison.

Under Communism all roads lead to jail.

But then I remember that I have better things to do

than amuse myself or brood about such things. I can

spend some hours in the communion of saints. People

usually imagine them to be somewhere far away,

although the Bible tells us that they encompass us (Heb.

12:1).

So I evoke the story of St. Gerard, a child who once

went into the church to the statue of the holy virgin with

the little Jesus and said to the Child: "I am so alone; I

have no one to play with," whereupon Jesus descended

from the statue and played with him. I recall the story of

St. Bernard of Clairvaux, who also stood before a statue

of Jesus and told Him how he loved Him and how he

thirsted after the love of the Saviour. His biography says

that Jesus again descended from the statue and hugged

St. Bernard.

That other men do not have the same experience as

13

Alone With God

Gerard and Bernard of Clairvaux is their own fault!

Every man can see outwardly only what he has within.

He who harbours no God in his heart does not meet

God, and he who denies the possibility of a saint having

intimate contact with God neither plays with the child

Jesus nor is hugged by Him. For a child, these stories

reflect life, just like all other happenings. "Except ye

become as little children..." said the Master.

I remember when my son Mihai first told me that he

had seen Jesus walking through our rooms. He did not

tell me this when it happened because it did not seem

extraordinary to him. He told me a few months or

perhaps a year later. The supernatural was the natural

in our home.

I spend my hour among these beauties. Whoever does

not deliberately choose them will pass his time in

ugliness. Modern art expresses the ugliness of the human

soul that has abandoned Christ and the saints.

It is said that a match-maker introduced a young man

and a girl, who were intended to marry. The young man

was indignant after seeing the girl and said: "How did

you dare show her to me? She has only one eye, her nose

is crooked, her lips are lop-sided. She is thick as a barrel

but has a very thin neck. Her hands are much too short.

I cannot marry such a girl!"

The match-maker replied, "Well, what should I do

with you if you are a man who does not appreciate

Picasso?"

Communism is to politics what Picasso is to art. As he

distorts his models on canvas, the Communists contort,

the bodies of their adversaries.

A Communist officer told me, "If God created man,

he created him to be tortured. This is obvious. There are

some four or five zones of the human body whose touch

produces pleasure. But there is not an inch of the human

14

How We Pass The Time

body which cannot ache. You can torture a man by

pulling his hair or by beating him on the soles of his feet.

Man is created for torture, and I merely fulfil the

Creator's will."

When you ask them why they beat, they laugh and

give their standard reply, that boys' tops cease to spin if

they are not whipped. And man and a wooden toy are

all the same to them! Another standard reply is that the

more heads you cut off, the taller you appear yourself!

And that is exactly what they did in Romania, cutting

off the heads of not only their adversaries but even their

comrades who were competitors.

You try to counter with an obvious argument: "You

have two sets of doctrines which do not square with one

another: on one side Communism, which means even

etymologically 'to seek the good of the community,' and

on the other hand this treading on human individuals

and their rights." The police officers reply indifferently,

"What if the doctrines do not square? We have methods

to make them square. Everything squares under a

whip."

They use this whip a great deal. They enjoy ugliness. I

enjoy beauty.

And so between a whipping and a joke, a pleasant

journey and immobilisation in heavy chains, between

hunger and philosophising that it is easy to bear (if so,

why do I have to convince myself about this easiness?),

between the communion of saints and the mockeries of

devils unleashed against us, the time passes quickly.

Don't worry about us. All things will pass. This too

will pass. Amen.

15

DESIRE TO ESCAPE FROM THE "I"

DEAR BRETHREN AND SISTERS

In at least one respect I am like St. Anthony the

Great. He never washed himself. I did not take a bath in

years either. He slept in a tomb in order to remind

himself constantly that this is the abode in which all

earthly life inevitably ends. My cell is also like a tomb. It

is thirty feet beneath the earth. The few planks which

constitute my bed could as well become my coffin. I

don't fear death. I am in a tomb without having died.

What will be my future?

At this moment I am completely useless. My life

consists of eating watery soups and getting endless

beatings. The sticks are all alike. They make the same

noise when they fall upon my back. The pain does not

impress me much any more. Nothing ever happens in

my life. Why should I wish to prolong my existence in

this world? That I may be released? Of what use can a

broken man be in freedom?

And if I recover? I will deliver some sermons again.

Previously, when preaching on the subject of the blood

of Christ, I had contemplated how to form the sentences

more beautifully, instead of feeling the horror of Christ's

suffering and living the love which prompted Him to

endure it. In one of the first Christian sermons I ever

heard, the pastor yawned while preaching about

Calvary. How unlike Dickens who, while reporting for a

16

Desire To Escape From The "I"

newspaper a speech in Parliament on the sufferings of

the poor in Ireland, was so overcome that he was unable

to take it down in shorthand.

A man speaks about the sufferings of a poor God and

yawns. No wonder the audience yawned too. Pastors

and flocks are fed up. They are also fed up with good

sermons. They are too wise. Fools for Christ are needed,

but I am not one of them. I don't see any point in being

free.

Neither do I wish to keep my "I" in eternity. Why

should I care for life after death when I have none before

death? My "I" has simply become uninteresting to nie. I

am as little concerned about its eternal destiny as about

what will happen to it tomorrow. I wish to be an "I" no

longer. I reject my "I". My desire is to be a "he"

"When he shall appear, we shall be like him" (1 John

3:2).

I once brought to Christ a Jew who was over ninety

years old. He told me of a dream in which he saw himself

in heaven and asked, "Where is Wurmbrand's place?"

But he received no answer. The question was probably

still pending. At least, that was what I thought when he

told me his dream. Now I am inclined to think that there

will be no "Me" there. Why should I care about

receiving a crown, which I will cast at His feet anyway,

over-awed by His majesty when I see Him? (Rev. 4:10)

Is it not best to finish completely with the "I" and

become "He"?

There was a time when I was obsessed with erotic

fantasy. My head was a merry-go-round of lustful

images. At first I fought against them in vain. Then I

said to myself that if marriage is a symbol of the union

between Christ and His Church, erotic imagination and

love-play, which are basic to marriage, might also have

a holy sense. When I stopped worrying about these

17

Alone With God

fancies, they lost their importance.

Now my conscience has been almost freed from

existence. It is independent of the "I" and lives the

imaginary life of being "He".

Is this sheer madness, like so many other things

happening to me, or am I one of the privileged few who

have fulfilled the commandment of Christ to deny the

"self? But if I have denied the self, who is the one

interested in knowing if this has really happened? Who

then is happy that the denial of the "I" has occurred?

We are running around in a vicious circle. One must

have a very strong "I" and be a giant in faith to reject his

"I", which is not only all that he has but also all that he

is. Whoever burns the candle at both ends must have a

great and glorious candle to burn. And what happens to

the strong "I" who has rejected the "I"?

Jesus did not have the rich psychological vocabulary

we have. He could not have spoken in Hebrew about the

self, the ego, the id, the many complexes we worry about

today.

I have always used Biblical language, speaking

exactly as Scripture does about denying the self. In more

precise modern language, I imagine that what Jesus

meant us to leave was the ego.

In my dealings with people I have discovered that you

don't impress them by showing how smart you are. You

win them rather by sitting at their feet and giving them a

chance to teach you. Even an idiot can teach something.

The usual attendance in churches is composed of men of

lower IQ than that of a pastor. If the pastor does not

know stupidity but only intelligence, he will not be

fruitful.

We have to learn from another to raise his ego. The

ego is the desire to be superior. It is the high opinon one

holds about oneself and one's achievements. I don't

18

Desire To Escape From The "I"

believe as does Freud that the strongest desire of a man is

the sexual urge, though it is enormous. The strongest

desire is to uphold his ego, to appear valuable before his

fellowmen.

Respect another's ego, but renounce your own. I

believe this is what was meant by Jesus' commandment

to deny the self.

There is a tension in us because the ego is torn apart in

the effort to present a more beautiful image before the

world. Tension ceases when we become indifferent to

what people think about us. I have been a pastor much

beloved by my family and my congregation, and much

hated by anti-Christian Jews because of my missionary

work to win Jews for Christ. Now I am only despised and

mocked by every man with whom I speak, because I

speak only with wardens and interrogators. What do

their opinons count? For Juliet it was enough to be loved

by one single young man in Verona. Others might have

passed near this girl of fourteen without even casting a

glance at her. She was happy.

I don't know how much I have achieved, but I wish to

lose not the self-1 have come to the conclusion that such

an endeavour is chasing after the impossible - but self-

assertion. The Tao-Te-Kingsays, "Clay is moulded into

a vessel, but the ultimate use of the vessel depends upon

the part where nothing exists. Doors and windows are

cut out of the wall of a house, but the ultimate use of the

house depends upon the parts where nothing exists." I

wish to become such a useful nothing.

I am in the lowest social category, a man who will

probably die in prison, sentenced for crime. But I am

content to be so low. I have so little to renounce now. It

seems ridiculous even to attempt to give up self-

assertion. What have I to assert and before whom?

For a long time I have played with the ideas of what I

19

Alone With God

would do if I were a pope, a king, a polar explorer, again

a little child. Then I became pious and thought about

the eternal salvation of what I recognise to have been my

ego. Now I fancy only to be "He". I don't strive to be

He. I believe I am. Psychotherapists would call it the

Messiah complex. Well, they would have applied the

same diagnosis to Him, and they would not even have

been mistaken. He really believed He was the Messiah.

And I believe I belong to His body, as much as His brain

and His heart belonged to His body during His earthly

life. Every part of Him was He. And I am He. Luther

wrote "The Christian is Christ." Only this He lives

eternally. He does not need the appendix of a little "I".

When Michelangelo finished his Pietà, he exclaimed,

"Only the marble separates me from my statue." I

would say, "Only 120 pounds of flesh separate me from

being fully He."

"To the only wise God our Saviour, be glory and

majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever.

Amen."

20

TO KNOW THE HOLY THING

MY BELOVED

It is only natural that nobody knows about these

sermons of mine. People live during the day on words. I

speak silences during the night.

We have been put in subterranean cells, thirty feet

below the surface, where no noise is heard. Our captors

did not know that ascetics have always sought out

solitude, silence, eventlessness, a life in which nothing

disturbs the spirit, as ideal circumstances for their

development.

For me it is all right to be in a cavern, locked away.

Thoughts can pass through thick walls. And it is ideal to

have a life without events. A man from a neighbouring

cell asks, "What day is it?" I can give the answer,

"Every day God is my date. I have no other."

Nor is silence a torture for me. Jews have been

prepared for silence even through their language.

The Hebrew language has silent letters. The Aleph,

first letter of the alphabet, is a scarcely audible

breathing, and the ayïh a trifle stronger breathing but

still almost inaudible.

The Lord said to John, "I am the Alpha and the

Omega" (Rev. 21:6). This is how the words appear in

the Greek New Testament. But Jesus and St. John were

both Jews, so they probably spoke Hebrew. How would

Jesus have said that he is the Aleph? Would he have

21

Alone With God

pronounced the name of the letter, or would he have

simply breathed on the apostle as He had done on

another occasion, and would this breath have been the

aleph? As for the tav, the last letter of the Hebrew

alphabet, it was written at that time as a cross. Would

Jesus have made the sign of the cross? When did this sign

begin to be used as a holy sign? We find an abundance of

crosses in the catacombs, perhaps as a result of this

conversation.

There are different signs written below and above the

Hebrew letters to make them pronounceable. They are

what we would call vowels in other languages. But not

all of these can be heard. The shevah, the first "vowel" of

the Hebrew Bible, is in reality only a half-vowel. It is a

very short "e". A half-vowel {halaph-segol) begins the

name of God, Elohim. Brit, the Hebrew word for

"covenant", also has a half-vowel at the beginning. It

has to be pronounced quickly. It is as if the structure of

the Hebrew language itself would teach one to speak

little about holy things. One learns most about them in

silence.

The name which we spell "Jehovah" starts in Hebrew

with a very short vowel almost without forming the lips

for it and finished with a silent "h". By the way,

Jehovah, like all substantives and names ending with a

"h", is a feminine name. Jeshuah, the name of Jesus in

Hebrew, is also a feminine name. It is like calling a boy

"Helen" or "June".

The earliest evidence of man's religion, outside the

Biblical line, is the worship of the female. Archaeologists

have dug up a whole galaxy of female figures from about

2500 BC, usually of naked women, standing or seated,

often pregnant. The earliest temple compounds in the

whole world, dating from around 3000 BC in Meso-

potamia were dedicated to the worship of the Mother,

22

To Know The Holy Thing

some temples even being suggestively of oval form. The

first recorded extra-Biblical divine being was a goddess.

The word for Spirit in Hebrew, ruah, is a feminine

substantive.

I had never thought about these things before

imprisonment. Now they have become extremely

important to me. Protestants have weighed exaggerated

veneration of the virgin Mary against the teaching of the

Scriptures. It is like judging the loud cries of tortured

men with Bible verses teaching soft speech. This great

veneration for and appeal to Mary must have originated

with men who suffered terrible deprivations and at the

same time passed through a dark night of the soul in

which they could not apprehend the nearness of Jésus.

In an extremity of torture, prisoners always cry,

"Mother".

I have deviated completely from what I had intended

to say. It is because for the first time I preach what I

think. In the pulpit, pastors preach what they have

thought of in their study while preparing their sermons.

Congregations would wonder very much if one Sunday

morning their pastors were to tell all the wandering

thoughts that pass through their minds as they give their

prepared message. They have doubts just when they

preach certainties, attractions towards a sin just when

they thunder against it. They surely would not thunder

if it did not exercise such an attraction.

But you must bear with me. I come back now to my

subject.

The surroundings of our solitary confinement are

conducive to silence. The wardens have felt-soled shoes.

We do not hear them walking up and down the corridor.

They rarely speak to us. Everyone sits alone in his cell

without any book or writing material and, according to

his preparation, broods or meditates, loses himself in

23

Alone With God

erotic imagination or makes practical plans for an

uncertain future.

Rarely do we hear the cry of somebody being beaten

because there are special rooms for beatings and torture

somewhere else. Sometimes we hear the ravings of

someone who has gone mad. But he would be quickly

gagged or given some injection. And then again,

silence.

The only real and more constant interruption of the

silence is the "telephone", the tapping signals in Morse

code through the walls or the pipes of the central

heating. Usually the wardens do not disturb this. They

know our codes and are interested in listening in on

what we communicate to each other. There are always

the naïve few who allow some secrets to slip through

their communications.

The number one topic of all conversations is divining

when and how the Americans will come. We set dates by

which time we feel we surely will have been freed. With

absolutely no possibility of obtaining real information,

except perhaps on a bit of paper found in the toilet or

from a prisoner arrested six months before, nevertheless

we tap to each other estimates and commentaries on the

most "recent" sensational events.

Frogs living in a well discuss the ocean they never saw.

Insects living only a summer talk about skiing. Men

existing in tiny subterranean cells with minds long since

gone mad philosophise about the effects of world events

on them, events of which they know nothing.

The conversations do not last long. The invasion of

sound gives way to the deep silence in which I can

meditate I do not desire to be free. I am free. The tyrant

of Syracuse once went to the slave-philosopher Epictetus

and told him, "I'll pay the ransom for you and you will

be liberated."

24

To Know The Holy Thing

Epictetus replied, "Why do you care about me? Free

yourself."

"But I am a king," said the amazed tyrant.

"This I contest," was the answer of the philosopher.

"He who masters his passions is a king even while in

chains. He who is ruled by his passions is a slave even

while sitting on a throne."

Real freedom does not depend upon external

circumstances. There exists the wonderful liberty of

which the children of God partake, even when in

straitened circumstances or trammelled by prison walls.

I am not freed of passions but I am free from the desire

to know trifles. What matters when I will be free? The

period since my birth has been brief. In the millennia

before I was born the world went on without considering

my presence in it important. I am sure that events

continue their course undisturbed by my absence.

Nor do I wish to know other things. I wish to know

only "the holy thing" about which Luke speaks in

mystery (Luke 1:35). One day of His, one day of being

with Him, is worth a lifetime of knowledge about Him,

which is putting into human words the inexpressible.

Why my Beloved keeps me in prison I do not know.

But I remember from A Midsummer Night's Dream, which

I consider the profoundest of Shakespeare's plays, these

words: "The course of true love never did run smooth...

(To be crossed is) as due to love as thoughts and dreams

and sighs, wishes and tears." There has never been a

great love without its share of enigma and drama. So also

is the love between Jesus and me. Let Him do as He likes.

Reason will never fathom His ways. Generally "reason

and love keep little company".

God did not free Daniel. He left him in the lions' den

until he was freed by Darius, who threw him there.

Perhaps I too will be freed by the Communists, not by the

25

Alone With God

Americans or the miraculous intervention of God. But I

do not lose much time thinking about this.

I wish to know God in the supreme sense. The Hebrew

word for "to know", iada, and the Greek gnosis are both

used also for union between husband and wife. I wish to

know him intimately, to have the beatific vision, to see

"the holy thing" in its fullness.

Life and death depend upon this.

I once told a Jewish boy of twelve, "If Jesus is the

Messiah and you reject Him, your soul will be eternally

lost," to which he answered earnestly, "But it is also the

other way around. If Jesus is not the Messiah and you

adore Him, you are eternally lost." And so we sat down

to find out which of us was right.

The life of Saul of Tarsus, the persecutor, centred

around Jesus long before he met Him on the road to

Damascus. Hé had ordered Christians to be killed.

Whether Saul was a national hero fighting against a

dangerous impostor or a killer of innocent believers in the

true Saviour depended upon the reality of the vision he

had before his eyes.

Mary Magdalene waited at the tomb of Jesus. He had

forgiven her many sins. Everything depended on what

would happen that Sunday morning. If He were

resurrected, the remission of sins granted by Him was

valid. If He remained entombed, her sins would return

and she would have added to her former transgressions

the grave offence of having followed a false Messiah.

I am in the same situation. If Jesus is not the Truth, I

will have squandered my life and youth in useless

suffering. If He is, I will have gained everything.

Will he come once to free me from my doubts?

No thief could sleep if he knew that a sack of gold lay in

the next room. I also spend one sleepless night after

another. But some day I will get hold of "the holy thing".

26

To Know The Holy Thing

I surely prefer Communists to lukewarm, nominal

Ghristians. If Jesus is not the Saviour, if He was a

deceiver or one deceived or, as some say, a psychopath,

things cannot be left as they are. It becomes the duty of

every honest man to go from door to door to warn men of

the pernicious influence of Christianity.

He has to give Himself to me totally or I will reject

Him totally. I will never be satisfied with glimpses, with

possibilities and probabilities of truth. I must know Him.

I must live in His embrace, or I will deny Him as One

who does not give all He promises.

Tons of lead are shovelled and smelted in the hope of

getting one grain of radium. Years of prison are not too

much if once one may have one day with Him. His days

are rare, as tungsten and vanadium are rare. His day

comes slowly, but when it comes it will compensate for

years lost in the darkness of prison cells.

On that day words will no longer mask contrary

intentions. Truth will triumph. Human and divine

natures will marry, as they are united in Him. We will

see things as they are. I will know "the holy thing";

whether this happens in prison or in the bosom of my

family will make no difference. Amen.

27

MORALS APART FOR THE ELECT

DEAR BRETHREN AND SISTERS

Truth is revolutionary. It even revolutionises its own

definition.

One thing comes up again and again. At every

interrogation I tell the officer fairy tales: I invent stories

to lead him astray. When he asks for concrete details and

the names of those with whom I worked underground, I

give him the names of people I know are abroad, of some

who have died recently, or of their own top stooges

within the Church. I usually succeed in making my story

plausible, at least for a time, so as to delay a beating until

they have checked all the names.

When I return to my cell, I am no longer alone. I have

with me a preacher, Mr. Morals, who delivers long

sermons about how wrong it is to lie. He quotes

Spurgeon to me: "It is never, right to do a little wrong to

obtain the greatest possible good. Your duty is to do the

right: consequences are with God." Or, "I have no right

to commit a sin to increase usefulness. I have to be

righteous even if it undoes usefulness." I wonder why my

Mr. Morals is such a boring preacher, always delivering

the same sermon. I would like to hear him speak for a

change about how stupid it is to betray brethren to the

police while leaving "the consequences to God" - such

consequences as hungry wives and orphaned children

for whom nobody will care.

28

Morals Apart For The Elect

The authorities consider it complicity with a counter-

revolutionist if you give a piece of bread to the child of a

jailed Christian. Mr. Morals teaches that nobody should

go against the law of the land, because it is wrong to

break laws. The main thing to be concerned about is

keeping the magnificent "I" righteous. The conse-

quences belong to God. Let Him rain manna again for

families of imprisoned Christians.

I have high respect for Mr. Morals. But I believe he

delivers his sermon in the wrong place. I would make the

proposal that he do some of his preaching to the

Communists. Their questioning me about things which

are not their concern is surely less moral than my giving

deceptive answers.

I am a child of God. In most spheres God's children do

not have the same moral standards as common men.

We love our enemies, whereas others consider it right

to defeat them. We do the beautiful though unpro-

ductive deed: we squander money on costly perfume

with which to anoint a Man who will be scourged and

crucified tomorrow as a criminal. Others much more

practical and better fitted than we to lead charitable,

even Christian charitable, institutions condemn such

squandering because the money is needed for the poor.

Has not God Himself put it in our hearts to provide for

them?

We are glad that Jesus is righteous, and we need not

try to become righteous ourselves through any deed or

attitude of our own.

The others are reasonable, of course. They choose

between right and wrong, and they make the proper

choice. We believe that all things work together for our

good - St. Augustine adds: "even our sins" - and we

don't make any choices.

Some have before them two ways: one leading to life,

29

Alone With God

the other to death. We admire them when they step

decidedly towards life. But for us death is abolished. The

Lord told us, "Whosoever lives and believes in me shall

never die" (John 11:26). We are utterly disinterested in

this constant oscillation between two paths and

hundreds of bypaths. Others exercise their will for good

purposes. We don't believe in free will. We believe that

right choices as well as their fulfilment are gifts from

God, often given to those who seek them least.

I lie to my oppressors. Is truth an absolute obligation?

Does the Bible always give the facts as they are? Does it

not strain some truth, on occasion even yield truthful-

ness to love and respect?

I remember a verse from the book of Judges (18:30). I

often thought about it, first, when Nazi persecution and,

later, when Communist domination obliged us to

prevaricate. In it Jonathan, an idolatrous priest in Israel

(as a matter of fact the first), is called the son of

Gershom. In the Hebrew original, in all the manu-

scripts, the name Manasseh is written here in a strange

manner: il & ' ö The "n" is suspended above the line

to show that it is an addition that veils some secret.

Gershom was a son of Moses. The first idolatrous

priest was therefore a grandson of the law-giver. The

writer of the sacred book did not wish to do Moses the

indignity of publicising the fact. Therefore he changed

the name Moses to Manasseh. In Hebrew it took the

addition of just one letter. For the few who might

understand the subtleties of Scripture and the reason

why a letter would be written above the regular line, a

reminder of the real fact was left. But the "n" in this

position is not the same as a normal "n". A musical note

written above a given line can change the whole tune.

Now, was it truth to call Gershom the son of

Manasseh when he was actually the son of Moses? Does

30

Morals Apart For The Elect

it please Truth when a great man of God is put to

shame? Does she not rather rejoice when she sees respect

for such a man?

Does Truth desire only fact, or is she enamoured of

other values as well, such as love for the brethren whom

I have to protect from arrest? Does Truth consider

herself more important than me? Once, using a piece of

thread, I cut deeply into my flesh between the toes and

did my best to infect the wounds with chalk, in the hope

of gaining a better life in the infirmary. Did I offend

Truth through this pretence?

The whole matter will have to be elaborated on much

further.

The world teaches us to pretend, to be hypocrites.

Jesus, too, teaches us to pretend, but with a difference.

He does not teach us to show ourselves as we are. When

you fast, He says, look like a man who is feasting; when

you pray, let people think you are taking a nap; when

you give alms, conceal the fact (Matt. 6:1-6,16-18).

This is holy deceit. Mr. Morals would condemn this. He

would insist on the obligation to tell people exactly what

you are doing. He would have rebuked the woman from

Tekoah who fabricated a heart-rending story in order to

convince David he should forgive his son Absalom, who

had greatly sinned (II Sam. 14). Is Truth so adamant in

harshness that she would never yield to a fable in order

that grace might conquer?

Jesus pretended. When He came to Emmaus, "He

made as though he would have gone further," though in

reality He wanted to stay with His disciples (Luke

24:28).

It just passes through my mind that if Michelangelo

had not started as a genial forger, claiming that a

sleeping Cupid he had made was some old Greek

sculpture, today we might not have his Pietà. People

31

Alone With God

might not have paid any attention to him.

Dare anyone condemn Desdemona, who died with a

lie on her lips defending her beloved Othello, who had

killed her just because he loved too much and had been

the jealous victim of intrigue? Jesus Himself strained the

truth at love's behest when He said, "Father, forgive

them, for they know not what they do." Every one of

them knew how painful crucifixion was.

I believe that all the implications have not yet been

drawn from the teachings of the Lord. The simple fact

that the business of the merchants of religion doesn't

prosper should show us that they don't squeeze out of

their merchandise - religion - all the profit it can give. If

they were to extract more wisdom from Jesus, they could

then glean from the public much more interest in

religion.

Jesus has given us His Word - one talent. We should

make it ten talents. There are still new worlds to be

discovered in the realm of Christian thought. To

discover them we have to have courage to leave the

secure shore of commonly accepted morals. I, on my

part, will "lie" whenever necessary in order to protect

my brethren.

32

THE ABSOLUTE DUTY OF

TRUTHFULNESS

BELOVED BRETHREN AND SISTERS

A Jewess came to a rabbi and told him her troubles

and pains. After weeping and sighing for an hour, she

finally said, "Rabbi, I feel better now. My headache has

disappeared."

"No, my daughter, it has not disappeared," said the

rabbi. "Now I have it."

Since the time the Communists took over our

country, we have had to start secret Christian activities,

first within the Soviet army and then, when the terror

began, among Romanians themselves. Secret activity is

not possible without a certain amount of lying and

deceit. The consciences of many Christians were

troubled about this, but instead of living with their

troubles, they put them on my shoulders. Their

headaches became mine.

Now I lie at every interrogation. Through Morse code

the prisoners from the cell nearby tell me that they do

the same, but afterwards they feel as if they have sinned

greatly and ask me what to do.

I know you all have the same problem, so I will tell

you what I think in this matter.

If an authority, the state or your parent acts unjustly,

your duty is to resist and oppose the authority. Don't ask

me for Bible verses justifying this attitude. There exists a

33

Alone With God

natural law for which no divine revelation is needed. In

the Christian era, some men, like Thomas Aquinas for

example, justified even the murder of tyrants in extreme

cases. (See "Widerstandsrecht" by Ernst Wolf, in the

dictionary Religion in Geschichte und Gegenwart, 3rd ed.,

vol. VI.) Luther also recognised this right of resistance.

Do you think your hands remain pure if you refrain

from killing the tyrant? He may kill millions of

innocents, as did Hitler, and you will be co-responsible if

you could have prevented the carnage by destroying the

tyrant and his clique of murderers.

The Lutheran bishop Eivind Berggrav of Norway,

who sat in prison under the Nazi occupation, later said

before the Lutheran World Federation, "If the

authority becomes arbitrarily tyrannical, we have a

demonic situation, which means a regime which is not

submissive to God. It would be a sin to submit to a

diabolic power. In such circumstances we have in

principle the right to rebellion in one form or another."

If we have the right to resist the tyrant and to deny

him the possibility of continuing to live, even more then

do we have the right to oppose his inquisitive delving

into what he is not entitled to know - the secret activities

of the church. We can lie to the Communist persecutor.

Not that it ever becomes right to lie. But it is wrong to

prefer your personal purity to responsibility for your

neighbour. If you speak the truth, you put your brethren

in prison. If you speak the truth, you make the existence

of an underground church impossible and deprive

whole nations of the Gospel. In order to avoid the guilt

of having lied, we take upon ourselves a worse burden.

BonhoefTer said, "True innocence manifests itself just

through entering into the communion of error out of

love toward another."

We cannot assume the responsibility of telling the

34

The Absolute Duty Of Truthfulness

truth to tyrants, because it will help them torture and

kill Christians. I will not justify lying either, but I will

gladly accept its responsibility before God. I discover

that I am able to live with my conscience after having

lied.

Here we have a case in which one doesn't have a

choice between good and evil, but only between two

evils.

Though we sometimes have the duty to lie, still we

have the absolute duty of truthfulness. It is a grave sin to

trespass against either duty.

The duty to be truthful is obvious.

Christianity presents an incredible message that

contradicts the whole of human experience, namely,

that a virgin gave birth to the Son of God, that angels

appeared and spoke to shepherds regarding the

newborn Babe, that stars led wise men to His very house,

that Jesus performed miracles as had no man before,

that after having died on the cross, He was resurrected

bodily and ascended to heaven.

St. Paul, when proclaiming this message to the

heathen, offered as proof of its veracity the fact that most

of these things regarding Jesus had been predicted by

the Jewish prophets. At that time it was no easy matter

to become a Christian. It could mean being thrown to

the wild beasts. Every man had to think seriously before

making such a decision. The most sensible approach

would have been to ask the closest Jewish neighbour if

his Scriptures had really foretold all these facts about

Jesus, to which the answer was invariably, "Jesus was a

fake, an impostor, condemned as such by our high

priests."

One can see the dilemma of Christianity in the

Gospels themselves. The prophet Malachi had pre-

dicted that before the appearance of the Messiah, Elijah

35

Alone With God

the prophet would come again. When this objection was

brought to Jesus, He answered, "Elijah has come - he is

John the Baptist." So priests and Lévites were sent to

inquire of John the Baptist, who flatly denied that he

was Elijah, thus appearing to cancel all the claims of

Jesus to be the Anointed.

Under these difficult circumstances it was of the

utmost importance that every Christian be an example

of truthfulness in private life. His character was the

main accreditation of his strange faith. That is why

Peter was so harsh to Ananias and Sapphira, who with

an outright lie had pretended to be more self-sacrificing

Christians than they really were. When discovered,

each suffered a shock and died on the spot - as do

primitive people today who violate a taboo.

Christians should be truth incarnate, in the full sense

of the word. The Greek word for truth is aletheis, which

means "nothing hidden". The Hebrew word emet is

composed of the first, middle and last letters of the

alphabet, indicating that truth exists only when it is all

of a piece from beginning to end, without any alteration

or misrepresentation. Every half-truth is a full lie.

But somehow life leaves us all forsworn. I don't know

a man who would never act or pretend. I can

understand Ananias and Sapphira. They loved the

Lord and His company. They wanted to belong and for

this sacrificed the greatest part of their substance. They

also reserved something for themselves because they

sensed rightly that the first love of Christians would not

last. Very soon financial quarrels would arise among

them (Acts 6), and they might find themselves with

nothing in their old age. Their thoughts were much too

complicated to be told to enthusiastic apostles who had

given away everything. Curiously, the name Sapphira

means in Hebrew "calculation".

36

The Absolute Duly Of Truthfulness

Peter, who had himself pretended to be a hero on the

night of Jesus' betrayal, was harsh to them. Some time

later, he was rebuked publicly by Paul for pretending to

be faithful to the Jewish religion. John, the apostle, was

very nearly befriended by the high priest, who hated

Jesus. For such treatment he must have indulged in

some prevarication.

Life is impossible without the theatre of courtesy,

gentleness, good manners - the niceties which never

correspond entirely to the state of the heart. So, then,

absolute truthfulness is necessary and absolute truthful-

ness is impossible. How can we resolve this problem?

In a sense, every man's life is a pretence because to be

an "I", a separate entity, is a lie. Jesus said you must

deny yourself (Luke 9:23), that is, acknowledge the

unreality of the "I", which is no more than the point of

convergence of a multitude of hereditary features, of

social influences, of the impact of good and evil spirits, of

works of nature, and so on. A Hindu once asked a child,

"Break open that fruit and what will you see in it?"

"Seeds," came the reply.

"Break open the seeds and what do you see?"

"Nothing."

The Hindu said, "When there is a nothing, a tree

grows."

Your pretence will cease only with your denying the

"I". Then truth will grow on your boughs.

Constantine the Great suffered terrible remorse about

having killed his son. He asked all kinds of heathen

priests and philosophers if there were forgiveness for

him. He received only negative replies. Then he asked

the Christians, and they told him how easy it is to receive

forgiveness. On whom does the sin lie? On the "I", but

the lie of its existence can easily be detected. The "I" can

be denied. Then only Christ remains. He gladly bears

37

Alone With God

the responsibility of everything which has ever hap-

pened. He is the Lamb which has taken away the sin of

the world. He said, "I am the truth."

Therefore, when the "I" is denied, only the one

incomparable, indivisible Truth remains, and lies will

disappear. To whom should the Truth lie? Before whom

does He ever have to play-act if He is all? Jesus is the

intellectual and spiritual expression of reality. He is for

me the only "I". If He is my all in all, the truth

embodied in Him will accredit itself. It is His concern,

not mine.

Jesus is a Saviour to the uttermost. Thus He saves me

from the constant nagging worries about whether or not

I have spoken or served the truth. I leave Him this

burden, too.

A Russian brother told us about an occurrence in

Odessa.

The underground church wanted to baptise a group

of some twenty individuals. They considered a fish-

hatchery at the edge of town to be the best place. The

old caretaker was known to go to bed early. Fish would

not create a disturbance. There was plenty of water. So

the baptism took place there.

The next day, the old caretaker went to the president

of the Soviet and asked to be given another job. "Why?"

he was asked. "You will never find a more suitable place

to work."

"No, I will never go back. The hatchery is haunted."

And he explained: "Last night I saw some twenty beings

who looked like men, but in reality they were something

else. Beauty that was not earthly radiated from

everyone. They sang songs entirely unlike anything we

sing in our pubs. Then they entered the water one by

one, and when they came out of it, I had no doubts any

more. They were unearthly. I could not explain who

they were. But I won't go back."

38

The Absolute Duty Of Truthfulness

The caretaker saw things better than we do when we

have a baptism. He observed that we are moved into an

entirely new sphere - that of the children of God. The

difference between a child of God and a man is much

greater than that between a man and an ape.

We are partakers of the divine nature (II Pet. 1:4) and

belong to the world which gives commandments, not to

that which strives to obey them. Non-Christians who

acknowledge the obligation to be truthful find them-

selves the victims of inner tension because their fallen

nature keeps them from adequately fulfilling their duty.

As Christians we don't have the duty of truthfulness: we

have its character. We speak it as it is given to us. We can

have the full confidence that what we speak is truly what

God wishes the other man to know.

We don't have to calculate like Ananias and Sapphira

what to give and what to say in order to justify ourselves.

Everything has been given. We are just, through the

blood of Christ, and never need any further justification.

Saving truth emanates spontaneously from our renewed

heart.

As children of God we live in a mysterious sphere.

Our father in faith is Abraham, who was ordered by

God to commit what is considered among men to be a

horrible crime: to kill his own son. He was prepared to

do so, and he was praised for his willingness.

All human moral standards cease to be valid here. We

have as our God a Being who not only bruised His Son,

but found pleasure in doing so (Isaiah 53:10). If the

salvation of mankind cost so much, the Father paid the

price willingly. Why should this Father object to letting

me, another child of His, purvey to my interrogators

what humans would call an untruth, in order to save the

underground church, His messengers of salvation? I

have no "I". Let Him decide. Amen.

39

THE SPACES IN THE BIBLE

DEAR BRETHREN AND SISTERS

Until I went to prison I thought I believed that the

Bible was the Word of God. If anyone had asked me if I

believed the whole Bible to be His Word, without

hesitation I would have answered, "Yes."

I realise now that I was mistaken. I had only thought I

believed so. The Bible consists of white sheets of paper

(in former times, of parchments), on which are

imprinted or inscribed black letters. Around these

characters, between the lines and words and in the

margins, is a considerable mass of blank space, perhaps

even more than that occupied by words. The Bible

could not exist without this empty space. Does it also

belong to the Word of God, or is it sheer nothing? Does a

"nothing" exist? Something that is cannot be nothing.

The figure zero never occurs in the Bible.

Is it not possible that the empty spaces in the Bible -

its silences - are at least as important as its words? One

can find contradictions and debatable matters in the

words of the Bible, but nobody can contradict the

silence of the depths of its blank spaces.

We are told that when the Lord Jesus was brought to

the temple at the age of twelve He amazed the priests

with the questions He asked and the answers He gave. I

am not very much interested in the amazement of the

priests. I would have preferred to know what Jesus'

40

The Spaces In The Bible

questions and answers were. They cannot be found in

the black letters of the Gospel. But keep quiet and you

will find them. They are contained in the blank space.

In the quiet of a subterranean solitary cell I can read

them.

In the prologue to his Gospel St. Luke writes that he

first inquired diligently of eyewitnesses about all the

episodes in the life of Jesus. In the course of his inquiries

he must have gone to the house of Lazarus to ask about

the visits of Jesus in Bethany. Martha told him that she

had had a quarrel with her sister in the presence of Jesus.

Luke may have considered the matter a trifle, he noted

it. Then he asked Mary to tell her side of the story. She

answered, "Martha chided me for not helping out in the

kitchen, but I preferred to sit a couple of hours at the feet

of Jesus and listen to Him. I did not wish to lose a word of

what He had to say."

"You are the person I need," St. Luke would have

exclaimed. "Please tell me the teachings that Jesus gave

on that evening."

She surely would have answered, but nowhere do we

find this information in Luke's books. We are only told

that Mary listened to Him and that Jesus praised her for

choosing the good part.

That is to say, we do not find Mary's memories about

Jesus' talk in the black letters of the Bible. They are in

the white space between chapters 10 and 11 of St. Luke.

There have been centuries of debate about the

question of whether the bread and wine in holy

communion really become the body and blood of the

Saviour. But one thing is above debate: paper takes on a

different value when the Bible is printed on it. That is

why multitudes of Jews and Christians who have never

read the Bible can be seen kissing it in synagogues and

Orthodox churches. If the Word can become flesh,

41

Alone With God

sanctifying the womb of the virgin who bore Him, then

the written Word can also give exceptional value to

sheets of paper on which it is inscribed.

Even stones can become holy. Soviet soldiers told us

about the church of the Holy Blood of Christ in

Leningrad, closed by the authorities, whose walls bear

hundreds of inscriptions: "God, give me love", "Lord,

give me happiness", and others like these. Why do

people feel instinctively that the right place to inscribe

such requests is on the wall of what was once a church? Is

it not like any other wall? Why do Jews travel clear

around the world just to pray at the wailing wall in

Jerusalem? Could they not do the same thing leaning on

the wall of their kitchens?

I know a good portion of the Bible by heart and

"read" whole chapters from memory in my prison cell,

but it is not at all like having the real Book before me. Its

very paper is a marvel. In every fibre there are as many

atoms as there are drops of water in the ocean or blades

of grass on the whole earth. And the atoms are

constituted of smaller particles. Electrons travel at the

speed of 10,000 miles per second. While I read a page of

the Bible, they will have travelled the distance from

Bucharest to Tokyo countless times, while keeping the

Word of God inviolate. The electrons constituting my

own eyes also travel, perhaps lovingly chasing those of

the Bible. The piece of paper is not dull and dead. It is

one of God's mysteries; it is a cyclone of energy.

Paper has a dramatic history of its own. It was once a

tree in the forest. Sunbeams played through its

branches, birds made their nests in it and chirped, ants

and insects scurried over its bark, lovers kissed each

other in its shadow. Then rude men felled the tree.

Seeing the wretchedness of slave labourers, it would not

have known for whom to weep. It could almost forget its

42

The Spaces In The Bible

own tragedy at the sight of prisoners who were hungry,

dirty, poorly clothed, unskilled in this work, often

injured, and who were forced to do this hard work under

the surveillance of wardens with whips. A part of the

tree became paper on which pornography or hate

literature was printed. A part of it became Scripture.

There exists a chosen people of God; there exists the

elect of God in every nation; there are chosen walls;

there exist chosen sheets of paper.

Mad thoughts? Perhaps. Which thoughts of a

prisoner are not mad? Many of my ideas are foolish,

although frenzy has not completely seized me yet.

Otherwise I would not know that my ideas are foolish

and I would not feel unhappy.

My observations about the travel of electrons applies

to all paper, not only to that used for printing Bibles.

True, but it is only through reading Holy Scripture that

one gains an awesome respect for matter. Materialists

do not love matter. They have no sense of its "earnest

expectation" (Rom. 8:19), do not sympathise with its

"bondage of corruption" (Rom. 8:21).

Listen! Maybe I will hear the ringing of church bells

outside. It is a Sunday morning. Bells. Men have made

brass express adoration for God. Materialists cannot

make matter radiate the praises of atheism, of the

nonexistence of God. The Word becomes not only flesh

but matter. Jesus Himself as an incipient embryo was

matter before becoming flesh.

The atom is mysterious; the world is mysterious; the

Bible is also mysterious. If its meaning were plain, it

would be the work of men. But it comes from another

sphere. Let us take advantage of what is clear in

Scripture and trust for the rest. One day we will be in the

light, and then we shall no longer see "through a glass,

darkly" (1 Cor. 13:12).

43

Alone With God

Never stop at the black letters of the Bible. If you were

to ask me which Bible verses support me the most today,

my answer would be, "The Bible verses which comfort

me most are two verses which are not in the Bible."

First, I am happy that the Bible never mentions Jesus'

asking anybody what sins he had committed, how

many, of what gravity, under what circumstances, with

what complicity. He met sinners and told them, "Be of

good cheer, son or daughter, your sins are forgiven."

Second, what I appreciate is that the Bible records no

instance in which anyone apologised or asked Jesus for

forgiveness during His earthly life. On the last evening

before His crucifixion the disciples had forsaken Him

and one had denied Him,. Afterwards, when they met

their resurrected Lord, they should at least have said,

"I'm sorry." But whoever looked into the face of Jesus

saw so much kindness, so much love, such a willingness

to forgive, that he knew there was no need to ask.

And so I say, read not only what the Bible records in

black on white, but read its white spaces. Listen to its

silences. They are eloquent. You are not asked what sins

you have committed, nor are you commanded to utter

long prayers of repentance. Rather, believe that His

blood has cleansed you of all your sins, and rejoice.

Where we don't understand a part of the Bible, it is

the simplest thing to say humbly, "I can't understand,"

and to reflect that we are acquainted with only the

fringes of reality. The Author of the Bible can be trusted.

The proof of God's existence is that He has produced

the Bible, and the proof of the Bible is that so marvellous

a book could have been produced only by God.

Communists and some scientists claim that the world

was not created by God. And if they were right? There

would be reason enough to adore Him if He had

produced only the Bible.

44

The Spaces In The Bible

A man who has lost, in addition to his beloved ones,

all his belongings, his health, his reputation, his liberty,

or even just a needle, must seek these things in the Bible.

He will surely find more than he has lost - the conviction

of the irrelevance of the things lost. One thing is needed.

Following the Bible, you will have chosen the good part.

And you will find the Beloved. Amen.

45

SINS ARE SO SMALL TO HIM

BELOVED BRETHREN AND SISTERS

There is an abyss of sins in every one of us, the muck of

generations.

On a certain Sunday I had preached twice and by

evening was tired and in need of rest. But I felt a strong

impulse to go to the pub which was just opposite my

parsonage. When I told my wife about it, she objected

vigorously.

"You spoke twice today against drinking, and now all

the neighbours will see you going to have a drink. You

can't do such a thing. You'll be slandered."

"Come with me," I replied, "so they will slander us

both."

When we entered the pub, I understood why I had

been brought here. In the midst stood a Russian captain

with his finger on the trigger of a revolver, threatening

to shoot everybody. He was drunk and had asked for

more liquor. It had been refused him, and now he was

terribly angry. People had hidden behind the bar and

under tables. They could not parley with him, not

knowing Russian. I could speak the language.

When I asked him what was happening, he quieted

down a little and explained his demand. I assured him

that I would take care of it if only he would keep quiet. I

went to the pub owner and promised him that my wife

and I would sit with the captain and entertain him so

46

Sins Are So Small To Him

there would be no further trouble. "Give him one bottle

more."

The pub owner was so happy he exclaimed, "Pastor,

you have saved my life! I will always remain grateful.

Henceforth in my bar you can drink as much as you like

free of charge."

The Russian captain, my wife, and I sat down at a

table. A bottle of wine and three glasses were served. He

was polite. He filled the glasses. My wife did not drink

and I did not drink, but he showed courtesy. He would

empty all three glasses. He was drunk, but he was used

to drinking. He could reason and understand.

So while he drank, I told him the old, old story about

the Son of God, who came down from heaven, was born

of a virgin in a stable, taught love, led a life of sorrows, in

the end was crucified for our sins, was raised from the

dead, ascended to heaven, and is preparing for every

repentant sinner who puts his confidence in Him an

eternal abode in bliss. He listened attentively while

drinking.

When I finished, he said, "Now that I know who

you are, I will tell you who I am. I am an Orthodox

priest. When, under Stalin, 80,000 priests were killed,

I was terribly frightened. And so I accepted the offer

which the Communists made to become an atheist

lecturer.

"Though believing in God, I agreed to go from town

to town, from village to village, to convince people that

there is no God, no Christ and no eternal life. I have

destroyed the faith of many people, including my former

parishioners. I could not conquer fear. My punishment

from God has been that with this hand with which I

gave holy communion before, I have had to shoot

Christians who refused to serve in the Red Army.

"And now I drink and drink to forget what I have

47

Alone With God

done, but I cannot forget. Waiter, bring another

bottle."

Silently I adored the Holy Spirit, who brings us to the

right place at the right time.

I asked the captain, "Do you still know the creed?"

He vaguely remembered it. Many years had passed

since he had said it last.

So I began to recite in Russian, "I believe in one God,

the Father almighty," and so on until I came to the

words, "I believe in the remission of sins." I asked him,

"Do you believe in this article of the creed?"

"I made it clear that I believe the whole Christian

faith," he answered. "It was only fear that made me

deny it."

I insisted, "Do you believe in the remission of sins?"

"Yes."

I pressed hard, "Do you believe in the remission of

your sins?"

"Oh, no!" he shouted. "My sins have amounted to

crimes and have been far too many."

"The creed does not state that only small and few

offences are forgiven, but everything, all sins, without

counting the number or looking at the size. When John

the Baptist saw the Lord Jesus, he said, 'Behold the

Lamb of God, which taketh away the sin of the world.' If

you alone had committed all the murders, thefts, lies,

perjuries, and adulteries committed by all mankind

from the beginning but now believe in Jesus, behold, He

is the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world.

Do you believe in the remission of your sins?"

In tears, the officer repeated again and again, "I

believe in the remission of my sins. "Jesus had performed

a masterwork. He had found not a lost sheep, but a lost

shepherd.

I never saw this captain again. It was wartime. On the

48

Sins Are So Small To Him

next day he had gone further towards the front with his

regiment. What did he do afterwards?

On the first day of her conversion the Samaritan

woman brought the population of a whole town to

Christ. What did she do later? Did her enthusiasm last?

Did she continue to win multitudes as in the beginning,

or did she pass into the arms of another husband? Jesus

praised a Roman centurion for having faith such as one

could not find even in Israel. What deeds did he perform

with this faith? Or, once satisfied with the miracle he

had expected, did he return to his duty, which was

training soldiers to kill? Zaccheus promised to return

everything he had extorted and give fourfold to

everyone he had defrauded. Did he keep his promise?

I like Ezekiel 20:3: "As I live, saith the Lord God, I

will not be inquired of by you." He wanted us to know a

part of the story. Let it be enough for us. This captain,

the Samaritan woman, the centurion, and Zaccheus all

had one good moment when they put their trust in Jesus.

The rest is not our business.

The Russian captain had been cleansed. What looked

to me and to him like a mountain of sin seemed to Jesus,

who sees things from highest heaven, an insignificant

mound.

In Old Testament times the Jews went astray by

believing in Moloch. In Hebrew, Moloch means "the

king who has reigned". Too often we have our souls

fixed upon ugly events in the past. Christians believe in

Jimloh, "the King who will reign". Worshippers of

Jimloh believe that the past is forgiven and also

repaired. Christians also believe in a holiness towards

which we evolve. "He which hath begun a good work in

you," writes the apostle Paul, "will perform it until the

day of Jesus Christ" (Phil. 1:6).

The Hebrews used the word hatath for a sin of a man

49

Alone With God

towards a fellow man, and asham for the sin of a man

towards God, such as breaking the Sabbath or

disobeying some ritual law. But asham meant also the

restitution which a thief had to make for what he had

stolen. In Isaiah 53:10, it is said that Jesus will make his

soul an asham, which means not only an offering for sin,

but also a restitution for it. In some mysterious ways the

Almighty will restore all I have done wrong.

In Shakespeare's Hamlet, a wretched Claudius seeks to

pray:

0 my offence is rank, it smells to heaven!

It has the primal eldest curse upon 't;

A brother's murder. Pray can I not.

Though inclination be as sharp as will,

My stronger guilt defeats my strong intent,

And, like a man to double business bound,

1 stand in pause where I shall first begin,

And both neglect...

My fault is past. But, O, what form of prayer

Can serve my turn? 'Forgive me my foul murder?'

That cannot be, since I am still possess'd

Of those effects for which I did the murder,

My crown, mine own ambition, and my queen.

May one be pardon'd and retain th' offence?

I reply: "Claudius, I can give you the answer. We can

now speak freely with each other, both belonging to the

same unreal world. You were buried after you died. I

am buried alive. It doesn't make much difference. We

can communicate. Yes, Claudius, you can be forgiven

too, though you can repair nothing. If you were now to

send away your wife whom you obtained in a criminal

manner, you would bring upon her new unhappiness

and new temptations. If you renounced the crown, one

50

Sins Are So Small To Win

who never prays might pick it up. Leave things as they

are and believe in Jesus, the asham, the restitution."

You can begin every day anew, unburdened by the

past. And don't be afraid today of repeating the same

old wrongs. Rather, be pleasantly surprised if it happens

otherwise. God knows that your piano is bad and that

you cannot make it produce good melodies. Only your

inner state counts. God judges you according to your

will only. Would Menuhin's concert be as pleasant to

the ear if he played a gypsy's violin instead of the

Stradivarius he uses? God looks at what you will, not at

how much you can fulfil.

Your sins are remitted. Amen.

51

MEASURE IN DELICACY

DEAR BRETHREN AND SISTERS

Mary Stuart accidentally stepped on the toes of the

henchman when she was on the scaffold. It is said that

her last words were, "I beg your pardon, sir ex-

ecutioner." She was a queen. Her good breeding was

instinctive.

Likewise Christians, children of the heavenly King,

show meekness when they are ill-used.

Christians simply love and shine. They do so even

when, like their Master, they wear a crown of thorns and

have in their hand a reed for a sceptre.

Believers also show kindness to those doomed by God.

God said to Moses, "Rise ye up, take your journey,

and pass over the river Arnon: behold, I have given into

thine hand Sihon the Amorite, king of Heshbon, and his

land: begin to possess it, and contend with him in battle.

This day will I begin to put the dread of thee and the fear

of thee upon the nations that are under the whole

heaven, who shall hear report of thee, and shall tremble,

and be in anguish because of thee." And Moses "sent

messengers out of the wilderness of Kedemoth unto

Sihon king of Heshbon with words of peace" (Deut.

2:24-26).

Moses had been given the order to destroy a king. But

as in the case of Pharaoh, God allowed Moses to proffer

peace and an amicable agreement to the heathen king.

52

Measure In Delicacy

It is permissible to send words of peace even to those

utterly rejected by the Creator.

The Christian is engaged in warfare as long as he lives

on this earth. But his role can be compared to that of a

military physician. He has to give medicine and comfort

to the wounded on both sides.

Such Christian delicacy has produced changes in the

heathen world.

Mahatma Gandhi wrote, "It was the New Testament

which really awakened me to the Tightness and value of

passive resistance and love towards one's enemies." In

1908, when he was almost murdered by a Moslem, he

did not prosecute him nor give evidence against him.

This forgiven murderer became a disciple of Gandhi.

A similar story is told about the Christian Mrs.

Rathenau. Her husband, finance minister of Germany,

had been killed by a Nazi only for the crime of having

Jewish blood. Mrs. Rathenau cared for the murderer

in prison and defended him. During the war, this

murderer became a leader of the Gestapo in Marseilles.

He atoned for the evil done in the past by helping

multitudes of Jews escape, with the result that in the end

he was hanged.

Edmund Campion, English Jesuit, betrayed by a

Catholic turned Protestant, was thrice tortured on the

rack. Then he was sentenced to be hanged, drawn and

quartered. A Te Deum was sung at this occasion. But the

traitor had come to death row asking forgiveness.

Campion gave it. He helped his denunciator escape the

pursuers who sought revenge: he gave him a letter to a

German nobleman recommending him for service.

These are the attitudes God likes. They are at the

opposite pole to that of the Spanish patriot Narvaez

who, when asked on his deathbed by his confessor if he

had forgiven all his enemies, replied, "Father, I have no

53

Alone With God

enemies. I've shot them all."

But there is a limit to Christian forbearance and

charity. In the end, Moses killed Sihon and his subjects

because they were not responsive to delicacy. At times

we have to have measure in love. One single devil whom

we have pitied can destroy a paradise.

One day of softness and a nation can lose overnight

happy institutions built up through generations of

struggle.

Do not think it virtue to be delicate only. When

occasion demands, tell a devil in high position that he is

a devil.

The good pastor is the one who has the proper

measure even in love.

We read in Revelation 20: 3 that after the Devil has

fulfilled a thousand years of prison, he will be given a

period of amnesty for "a little season". But once free, he

will start his wicked deeds again, gathering together the

nations of earth for another world war, which only God

will bring to a fiery end.

Jesus is full of grace. One cannot find the right

expression in English for saying how full of grace He is.

In Hebrew the singular "mercy" does not exist. The

word is plural: rahamim - "mercies." Nobody can obtain

from God only one mercy, because He has only

indivisible bushels of it. In the New Testament, the

corresponding Greek work oiktirmos is also used

frequently in the plural form.

Shakespeare wrote, Troubles come not singly, but in

battalions. Likewise, a sin never occurs alone but in the

company of many others. And graces abound even

more. But a plurality of mercies does not mean that

there is no limit to them. The universe is constructed

mathematically. We might not know how many stars

there are, but there is a certain definite number. Jesus

54

Measure In Delicacy

taught us to forgive much, and He told us exactly,

mathematically, how much to forgive. He taught us not

to remit indefinitely, but exactly 490 times (Matt.

18:22). Where there are figures, we have a very exact

teaching.

Jesus was not full of grace alone, but of "grace and

truth" (John 1:14). Now, John thought in Hebrew. In

Hebrew the letter "v", which stands for "and" is part of

the following word. John wrote "andtruth" as a single

word. Grace which is not limited by the supreme

interest that truth should triumph is a dangerous fancy.

A man can love many things. He can have a passion

for only one. Results are achieved only if that man

desires one thing exclusively and does not squander his

energies simultaneously on a hundred other things. I

admire the Communists for concentrating all their

efforts on the fulfilling of their supreme passion. Our

passion is the triumph of Christ, the establishment of His

kingdom, which necessarily includes the overthrow of

everything which opposes it. We have a place for

delicacy, for genuine love towards the enemy, but only

in the measure to which this would not defeat our main

purpose. To love the enemy so much as to enable him to

overcome us is idiocy.

I love my enemy, but I do not forget that while I spend

my time preparing a series of good deeds for him, he

prepares weapons to destroy my church. He might strike

quickly and unexpectedly while I indulge in sentiments

of love.

In extreme cases in the heat of battle, the military

doctor might be forced to shoot. He also is a warrior. We

Christians have to adopt the military mentality,

remembering how many are the metaphors about

warfare in the New Testament: "the weapons of our

warfare" (II Cor. 10:4); "Put on the whole armour of

55

Alone With God

God... we wrestle... having on the breastplate...

taking the shield... the helmet... the sword of the

Spirit" (Eph. 6:11-17); "Let us put on the armour of

light" (Rom. 13:12).

In war I don't admire so much the hero who dies for

his fatherland as the one who lets the enemy die for his. A

live hero is worth more than a dead one. Truth is

exclusive. With Christ as our Commander, right is on

our side, we must conquer.

We allow ourselves gestures of delicacy, we nurture

love for all men, including our enemies, with one

limitation: we must be victorious. Every gentle act

which does not hinder this is welcome.

I remember the first Soviet officer I met. I asked him if

he believed in God. I would not have minded if he had

said "No". Freedom is given to every man to say "Yes"

or "No" even to God. But he gave me the most amazing

answer: "We have no order to believe. If we get such an

order, we will."

I had met the typical Soviet man, a being who has

been robbed of the highest gift made by God to man: to

be an individual in his own right. He had been changed

into a robot who waited for orders about what faith to

embrace or reject. The Communists don't allow any

sphere in which the individual is free. One has to be a

Marxist even in art and science. Because of Einstein's

discoveries, the universe we live in bears his name. Yet

his book The World As I See It is forbidden in Communist

countries because he expresses his belief in God - an

incredible irony.

Such a regime has to disappear. Brethren, do

everything you can to this end. Don't ask, "What can I,

a single man, do?" If everyone asked himself this, no,

collective good would ever be achieved. The regime must

disappear.

56

Measure In Delicacy

Therefore, love the Communists and be gentle

towards them only in the measure to which this does not

conflict with the main purpose. Robots must be changed

into men again. Christ must be proclaimed and

accepted freely. His kingdom must come.

After having prayed and fasted many years, the

fathers in the desert - the first generation of monks who

fled to the wilderness of Thebaide from the corruption of

the church which had become a state institution in the

fourth century - gathered for counselling. St. Anthony

the Great asked them, "Let everyone say which

Christian virtue he considers the highest."

A few arose immediately and said, "Love." Others

said, "Humility." Some said, "Obedience." Some put

"Silence" on the highest level. In the end they asked St.

Anthony, who had listened attentively to their debate,

which in his opinion was the highest virtue, and this

would prevail.

"All these virtues you have mentioned are excellent,"

St. Anthony said, "but the highest is to have in all things

the right measure."

Measure therefore your delicacy.

The same Bible that teaches love and gentleness also

forbids one even to greet certain men (II John 10, 11).

Saying "Good morning" to such men (whom John

describes) makes one a partaker of his evil deeds. John

the Evangelist is said to have fled naked from a public

bath when he saw Cerintus, the heretic, entering. He

did not wish to remain under the same roof with one

who taught false doctrine.

Delicacy, then, to a point. But uncompromising

staunchness in matters of truth. Amen.

57

UNREACHABLE HEIGHTS

DEAR BRETHREN AND SISTERS

One of Jesus' promises has surely remained unful-

filled. He said that if we have faith as large as a mustard

seed, we will be able to move mountains. I don't expect

so much. But again and again I have ordered a mere

prison wall to move, and it has not. It is written, "This

stone... has heard" (Joshua 24:27). Why then did it not

move? Is my faith smaller than a mustard seed? But

what about the faith of my fellow-sufferers? Around me

are important saints and bishops. None of them can

move even a wall, much less a mountain.

And if one promise of Jesus does not hold true, what

should we think about all the others? I shout again and

again in my folly, "Wall, move! Wall, move!" It does

not move.

For a while I forgot where I was. I shouted loudly.

The wardens heard and gathered around my door to ask

what was happening. They mocked me when I

explained.

I fell down on my bed in despair, overcome with the

realisation that I was still in prison. And - far worse -

that my faith in His Word was gone.

But slowly I quieted down. A thought flashed through

my mind. How is it that I could be so mad? Jesus had

been very explicit. If we have only a little faith, the size

of a mustard seed, then we will move mountains. But a

58

Unreachable Heights

great God gives a great faith, not tiny coins. Just as the

great steel demolition hammers used in industry to

smash concrete walls are no good for cracking a nutr so

our God-given faith, which is huge, cannot move mere

mountains. The only requisite for removing mountains

is mundane faith in engineering technology. Our God-

given faith does greater things. We leap upon the

mountains, we skip upon the hills (Song of Solomon

2:8).

Eventually we may tire of such things. For if I jump

over a mountain, I only come upon another valley

which lies in the shadow of death. Our great God

provides power for more than this.

The woman in Revelation was given the wings of a

great eagle (Rev. 12:14) and could soar over mountain

peaks. Whitefield entered in his diary, "I prayed God

this day that God might make me an extraordinary

Christian." And his prayer was fulfilled.

Nothing of the ordinary Christian life fully satisfies us,

not even the gift of snowy whiteness of soul or joy like

that of a marriage feast. Whiteness and marriage belong

to the created world. We are partakers of the divine

nature, and nothing less than oneness with the Creator

can satisfy us.

Remain, prison walls, where you are. We fly towards

the Infinite.

We can do so because for this we were born.

A whole life's work will not enrich a proletarian.

Neither will revolutions. With very few exceptions, only

that man is rich who is born rich. Those who have

acquired wealth are often too old or jaded to enjoy it. A

good birth, therefore, is more advantageous than a

lifetime of hard work. As for us, everything is ours

without working. For as the eagle takes its little ones on

its wings, so does our God.

59

Alone With God

Remain, Communist world and Christian world,

where you are. I hate the first. I am sceptical about the

second. The old story repeats itself. Men of one and the

same generation were pagans under Diocletian, Christ-

ians under the emperor Constantine because it became

the fashion, Arians under Constantius because the king,

a tyrant, thus decreed, and apostates in Julian's time

because the emperor willed it. Then they returned to

Christianity in Jovinian's time.

In my generation, men of our province, Transylvania,

started out as loyal subjects of the Hapsburgs but

afterward became loyal subjects of the Romanian kings.

All those who had sworn faith to King Charles II were

forsworn when he was deposed. These same men

became legionnaires, then anti-legionnaires when the

former were overthrown by Antonescu.

Bishops who would have refused ordination of men

who did not want to swear loyalty to King Michael

swore loyalty to the Republic when the king was

overthrown. A mass of Christians, headed by their

bishops and denominational leaders, passed to the side

of the Reds. The same patriarch who had called upon us

to fight the Bolshevik dragon celebrated a thanksgiving

liturgy for the advent of power of this dragon. Many

have left their faith altogether.

Why should I remain in this world, in this Communist

state, in this Christianity, in a prison cell or even at

liberty? God has smuggled through the locked door of

my cell the wings of a great eagle. I fly to the Infinite.

Nothing less will do.

I consider myself as having attained nothing while

anything remains unattained.

Can it be that when I have reached a certain height I

will fall? The devil is a good hunter and hurls darts that

travel far.

The Lord has told us that not a sparrow falls to the

60

Unreachable Heights

ground without our Father (Matt. 10:29). I have seen

many sparrows that have fallen. I even saw one eaten by

a cat. The Father willed that this sparrow should have a

tragic end. I may fall, too. But if, in the future, sins

destroy me after I "have tasted of the heavenly gift, and

[been] made partaker of the Holy Ghost" (Heb. 6:4),

others will learn from my failure and will do better. So I

will have served, notwithstanding.

I don't accept as my religion anything apart from

union between bride and bridegroom. All other religion

is fornication, idolatry. I will soar where the Truth,

which sages on earth call by different names, is one.

It is not a certainty that I will fall, though many have.

By His grace I may reach the height. Others have; why

not I?

I am in the communion of saints. Welcome, St.

Catherine, to my prison cell. You were very unlike me.

At the age of six, when I had the first vision of what I

know now to have been the devil, which shattered my

life, you saw Christ blessing you from heaven and

apostles standing around you. While I in my youth

indulged in gross sins, you had a plank for a bed, a

wooden log as a pillow, and you spent your time in

prayer and mortification. And you arrived at a spiritual

marriage. Christ placed a ring on your finger.

But you give the impression of not seeing any

difference between you and me. Maybe I am wrong, but

you seem to have even a touch of envy as you look at me.

Jesus said, "To whom little is forgiven, the same loves

little" (Luke 7:47). Except for original sin, there must

have been almost nothing to be forgiven you. You have

travelled another way, but you assure me - and must

have assured Jesus - that, although God has preserved

you from much actual sin, you still love Him

passionately.

How beautiful it is to commune with you. You speak

61

Alone With God

my language. You were a prisoner too. I sit in a

Communist cell. You spent almost all your life in the

inner cell of your soul. You were like all the brides of

Jesus, "a garden enclosed... a spring shut up, a

fountain sealed" (Song of Solomon 4:12).

You too know actual prison life well. "Don't be

surprised at my visit. I had the habit of visiting prisons

from ah early age," you said, reminding me how you

attended barbarous executions when young in order to

comfort the condemned and their relatives.

I know from the Bible that "we are compassed about"

with a great "cloud of witnesses," men and women who

have given their lives to Jesus, the real saints (Heb.

12:1), but I imagine that, when they make themselves

felt so clearly, they must have a certain precise

intention. Before asking St. Catherine about it, I tried to

find out something from her that interested me most:

"I have brought to Christ a Jew of over ninety. He

told me once that in a dream he had asked Jesus to show

him my place in heaven. He got no reply. It is said that

you have an exceptional sensibility about the inner state

of a man. You can 'smell' his integrity or corruption. I

vacillate between states in which I feel myself a beloved

child of God and other states in which I want to warn all

men not to be at the last judgment as I am. Can you tell

me the truth about me?"

She smiled and remained silent.

But I could remember clearly what I had read about

her criticising the luxuries of the church of her time.

Still, I had not changed my style of life, which surely had

been luxurious compared to that of many of my

colleagues.

"Catherine, you have changed much. In times past,

you did not mince words even when speaking to a pope.

You wrote to Gregory XI, 'Don't be a boy, be a man. If

62

Unreachable Heights

you are not willing to use your power for cauterising the

ills of the church, it would be better for you to resign.'

You had called cardinals 'poor mean knights, afraid

even of their own shadows, poisoned with self-love'.

How is it that you don't give me a word of reproof, if you

have come for this? Well, it is probably because I am

neither a pope nor a cardinal.

"You have come just to remind me that a Christian

can reach seemingly unattainable heights. You could

write to Charles V, 'When will you fulfil the will of God

and me to make peace?' Your will and God's had

become identical. You could speak about the two in the

same breath.

"Silently you have fulfilled the purpose of your

coming. I receive the gift, and now I will soar on eagle's

wings."

How beautiful is the communion of the saints. You

enjoy it only when you accept its full silence, a silence

like that of this prison cell, interrupted only from time to

time by the agonised cry of someone who is suffering. I

see something with my spiritual eyes. I wonder if I have

seen. Perhaps there are drugs in my food. I see so many

mad fancies. I had known a madman in an asylum, one

of the best men I ever knew. He was a religious maniac.

He often saw St. Birgit. He had painted her image on the

wall of his cell. I asked him what she told him in their

encounters. He smiled, forlorn. That was all. Well, he

was mad.

But mad or not, what does it matter to me? I wish to

arrive at the spiritual marriage at least in my fantasy.

Madmen who dream of being Napoleon or some saint

feel so happy. Marriage with Jesus must be glorious even

if it is only in imagination.

An ancient sage sent his son to a Bible teacher. When

the boy returned, the father asked him, "What did you

63

Alone With God

learn?" The son told him all the subject matter. "This is

nothing," the father replied^ "Go and learn more." The

son returned one year later. This time he boasted of

having learned other disciplines. The father sent him

back a second time. When the son returned again, his

face shone. The father embraced him. "You knew

theology before. Now you know God."

If my marriage to Jesus is only imaginary, perhaps

men around me will only imagine that my face shines,

but this will make them seek God as if I had been truly

glorified.

So for their sake, I love you, heights. I come! Amen.

64

TAKING HOLD OF THE SKIRT

OF A JEW

DEAR BRETHREN AND SISTERS IN CHRIST

Today a particularly offensive upstart gave me a

beating with special mention that my being a Jew

played a role in my torment. Heavy chains were put on

my legs.

Sometimes I have slept off the beating. It is amazing

how well one can sleep in spite of the pain. Sometimes I

have whistled. Now I remember a Bible verse: "It shall

come to pass, that ten men shall take hold out of all

languages of the nations, even shall take hold of the skirt

of him that is a Jew, saying, We will go with you: for we

have heard that God is with you" (Zech. 8:23).

This is God's promise. But men take hold of the skirt

of a Jew for different purposes. Mrs. Potiphar "caught

[Joseph] by his garment, saying, Lie with me" (Gen.

39:12). Many catch Jews by their garments to have

them as business partners. Here in prison they catch you

by your skirt and hold you fast during a beating. The

Communists mistreat everybody, but Jewish prisoners

always get a double beating.

Some of the officers of the Secret Police are turncoats,

former members of anti-Semitic organisations, who give

vent to their real feelings when they have a Jewish

prisoner in their hands, to compensate for being

compelled to stand at attention before the Red high

65

Alone With God

officials of Jewish descent. The Jewish officers of the

Secret Police also take pains to exhibit special harshness

towards Jewish prisoners to avoid the suspicion that

they are partial.

I am Jewish. I had to suffer under the Nazis for the

double crime of being both a Jew and a Christian. Now

it happens all over again. What is it with us Jews? Even

when I was a child, teachers and pupils hit me for being

Jewish. What is it with me?

Are we the withered boughs that have to be broken

off, as Isaiah prophesied (27:11)? After the Nazi defeat,

Christians felt themselves in bad company when

accusing us and abandoned the charge that we

sentenced Jesus to death. Many church leaders change

their opinions as the political winds blow. Those who

have cooperated most with the anti-Semitic killers to

avenge our ancestors' crucifixion of Christ now assure

everyone that Jews were no guiltier in this tragedy than

the Romans. They ignore the fact that the Jews had

prophecies about the coming of Christ, which the

heathen did not have. Ezekiel says about the Jews,

"When they entered unto the heathen, whither they

went, they profaned my holy name" (Ezek. 36:20).

St. Paul's rebuke is also justified: "The name of God

is blasphemed among the Gentiles through you"

(Rom. 2:24).

But I belong to another category of Jew. At Golgotha

the Jewish people divided into two parts: those who had

asked for His death, and those who wept for Him and

eventually constituted the first church. I belong to those

about whom Jesus said, "Salvation is of the Jews" (John

4:22).

Why do they take hold of my garment, too, only to

beat me? What is it with the Jewish question?

Hegel said there was one thing his philosophy could

66

Taking Hold Of The Skirt Of A Jew

not explain and that was Israel. Should I then explain it

with a reason confused through great suffering?

To fathom such a mystery, I would have to think

logically. "Logic" comes from logos. To be pleasant to

Christ, the Logos, you must think and act logically. In

the original Greek we are asked in Romans 12:1 to bring

to the Lord "a logical sacrifice". Clarity and accuracy in

thought are expected of Christ's disciples. But for a long

time I have lacked these qualities. Hunger, the

remembrance of tortures, the fear of new ones as often as

the cell is unlocked, the whole atmosphere of solitary

confinement in a subterranean cell, all combine to make

logical thinking impossible. Perhaps there are also drugs

in my scanty food. I cannot tell you what it is exactly

with the Jews.

You cannot become a Jew by practising the Jewish

religion, just as you cannot become a lion by roaring or

devouring raw flesh. I am sure that birth cannot make

you a Jew any more than being born in a garage can

make you an automobile. To be a Jew is more than

belonging to a nation. It is a calling which you dö not get

by natural birth. Born a Jew, you must realise your

calling.

What makes the Jew - the man who is essentially

Jewish and really deserves this high appellation, the

man who is loyal to the King of the Jews - dangerous for

the world and difficult to bear even for the children of

God from among the Gentiles, is that the Jewish

Christian is a restless fighter.

He has learned from Abraham's experience. Abraham

met Melchizedek only after his return from a slaughter

in which he had bathed his sword in blood (Genesis

14:17). He had not met him during prayer, nor when he

brought sacrifices. He met him after a fight.

Battlefields are our tabernacles. Captains of hosts are

67

Alone With God

our priests. Our liturgy is a clashing of swords. Our

incense is the smoke of burning Sodoms. Jews and

Christians have burned on stakes long enough. Our

priestly cassocks are armour.. Thus clothed we enter

Jehu's chariot. We are Jonadabs, his fellow-warriors.

Our icons are living soldiers to whom we pay our

homage. Our God is a consuming fire.

This is the religion about which I am passionate. This

is how I feel my role as a Jewish Christian. If there is no

place for me in such a tabernacle, I would like to live at

least in its shadow, but the churches of the Gentiles are

too well-ordered, calm, settled, boring for me.

A Jewish Christian loves his nation as Esther did.

Therefore Pharaohs and Hamans, as well as cowards

among the believers, tremble at our approach.

So many genial Jews have missed the mark in serving

foreign masters. Joseph served Egypt, Daniel Babylon,

Marx the world proletariat, Disraeli the British empire,

Léon Blum social democracy and France. Some of these

were children of God, others the opposite, but in either

case their earthly benefactors soon forgot their services.

Those who embody what is essential in the appellation

Hebrew-Christian would never serve any other cause

than that of the people of God.

In their relationship with God, they are not satisfied

with forgiveness of sins. They want their lives changed.

Our responsibility is entirely different from that of

other believers. St. Paul writes "Unto them [the Jews]

were committed the oracles of God." Every line in the

Bible was written by a Jew. That St. Luke might have

been a Greek is an invention. If he were not a Jew he

could not have been a Biblical author. This thought

outdoes all guesses about his origin. Luther contested

the authority of the ecumenical councils because they

were not constituted of Jews. Once they were composed

68

Taking Hold Of The Skirl Of A Jew

of Gentiles, their decisions could not be considered the

oracles of God, compulsory for Christians. Jewish

Christians are called to evoke the truth as it was in its

nakedness, before being clothed in parables.

Today many parables have become obsolete.

Outside, farming has been collectivised. No man

possesses a hundred sheep any more. Who cares if one is

lost? It is state property. Fathers don't have inheritances

to impart to profligate sons. When they get into trouble,

there is nobody who possesses swine who might hire

them. They have to be state employees, and they would

not be free to leave their job to return to the father.

Kings cannot arrange marriage feasts for their sons any

more. They have been dethroned. Beggars can no

longer hope for alms at the door of rich men. The

capitalists have been expropriated, deported to some

slave labour camps. They would be willing to beg for a

piece of bread themselves, but for a situation epitomised

in a little joke:

What is the difference between a pessimist and an

optimist? The optimist says, "With this regime, we will

all become beggars," to which the pessimist replies,

"But from whom will we beg?"

Jesus' parables presented eternal truth clad in

episodes taken from social life, which has changed

completely. The Hebrew-Christian divests truth of its

temporary clothing and sees it as it is.

The real Hebrew-Christian does not remain satisfied

with what he is told about Jesus, even by the saintliest of

teachers. St. Luke writes in his Gospel (1:2) about some

who had been eyewitnesses of the events. Who had been

an eyewitness of Mary's virgin birth, of the pre-existence

of Jesus, of His solitary nights of prayer? The Greek does

not have the word "eyewitness" but autoptes, a word

composed of auto (self) and optes (those who have seen).

69

Alone With God

Luke speaks about men who have seen things themselves

or (1:3) who "have had perfect understanding of all

things anothen", which means literally "being looked

upon from above".

There are men who are seated in heavenly places,

outside of time and space. They see what is happening in

heaven and look down upon what has happened and is

happening on earth. They also see things which

normally remain hidden. Luke was such a man; so were

the other Evangelists. Do you really believe that there

are no more seers in Israel?

They see, and when given even by Jesus the choice of

having Himself or the Holy Spirit, the Comforter, who

does not come unless Jesus departs from us (John 16:7),

they do not fall into the trap: they do not ask for more

fullness and more gifts of the Spirit. For them the Spirit

is no Comforter. There can be no comfort for the

absence of Jesus.

Rachel, when her children were slain, wept for them

and would not be comforted (Matt. 2:18). What

unnatural mother a woman must be to accept comfort

when what she needs is her child returned to her.

The Hebrew Christian has all due respect for the

Spirit but desires Jesus. Without Him, honey tastes like

gall. The Spirit is a spirit of truth which testifies about

Jesus. But they do not desire even a true testimony about

an absent Jesus, not even one of divine origin. They wish

Jesus Himself.

Having the Spirit, we could rightly solve many

problems. But we do not wish to solve problems. Mary

Magdalene did not seek solutions. Rather, she sat

quietly at His feet. Time somehow solves problems

without our intervention. We just wish to see His sunny

face and hear His melodious voice.

The real Hebrew Christian is a man apart, even

70

Taking Hold Of The Skirt Of A Jew

within the church. The time when people will take hold

of his skirt in order to be taught the Word of God may be

far away, but he will never compromise, he will never

lower the standard in order to win popularity.

Tomorrow I might be confronted with something

entirely different: "Take off your shirt in order to be

beaten with a whip." I will comply. A paper containing

a statement that I renounce my faith and denounce my

brethren could free me. What really separates me from

my beloved ones, then, is a paper wall, not these heavy

quarries which I see. So for many centuries a book has

separated the Jews from other peoples.

I will remain, by the grace of God, on this side of the

paper wall. But I am thankful for the high calling of

being a Jewish Christian, and I will not capitulate.

Amen.

71

THE BELOVED COMMUNISTS

BELOVED FLOCK OF CHRIST

I would poison myself if I thought of Communists only

with malice.

Once while beating me the captain amused himself

by singing tango music. I would have been simply unfair

to writhe under the beating without appreciating the

other aspect of reality. He had a beautiful voice and the

tune was pleasant to the ear. If I resented the beating, I

had to be thankful for the music. It is a rare treat for a

prisoner to hear somebody singing beautifully.

If only we could always appreciate the dual aspects of

reality, the fact that it takes both sides to make a whole!

When I feel a pain, there is always the joy of being a

living "I" who feels. The "I" may feel pain now, but

these same nerves are capable of feeling caresses too. It is

admirable to have sensitive nerves. It is wise to

appreciate the joy of possessing them even while

suffering pain.

The Jews are a chosen people. It is also a chosen thing

to have a Jew as a torturer. He accompanies his

wickedness with such splendid jokes. At a certain

moment, when I could bear no more, I cried, "Leave

me, leave me!" I had difficulty breathing.

My torturers consulted with each other. The Jew

among them told a joke: "Two men entered a tram. One

held onto the strap. The second was small and kept his

72

The Beloved Communists

stability by holding onto the beard of another man. The

man protested. 'Let go of my beard!' The Jew asked,

'Why should I? Are you getting off at the next station?'

Why should we leave Wurmbrand alone? Will he die?"

I hear their songs, their jokes. I enjoy them. I owe

them gratitude.

But most of all, I owe them pity.

The Communists have never pondered Shakespeare's

words, "Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown."

They took the crown from legitimate authority, King

Michael. They hoped to become happier through this.

They have only become busier. Now they have to

scheme day and night how to maintain and consolidate

their positions.

Actually, I have it better than they. Discharged of all

responsibilities, I can lie quietly in my cell and be happy

as much as I decide to. For a time, I disturbed my own

happiness by spying on myself and tore myself to pieces

for every false thought. But to spy upon yourself is as

wrong and impolite as spying upon someone else. I have

given it up.

Now I listen attentively when Communists speak to

me during my interrogation sessions. I am learning an

art which I should have learned long ago, the art of

allowing the adversary to say everything on his heart,

even when he is wrong.

Once back in my cell, I make the Communists the

subject of my meditation and prayer. I also think about

the many others around me who are oppressed by the

Communists because they believe in God. I think about

what this does to God.

In the Hebrew original it is written, "The Lord's soul

was shortened for the misery of Israel" (Judges 10:16). A

God whose children are persecuted is an amputated

God. Look at North Africa, which was originally one of

73

Alone With God

the foremost centres of Christianity. The Moslems

conquered the provinces, and for centuries millions

have passed through this earthly life without coming to

a knowledge of salvation. Could He not bring the

Gospel to them without the church? He could not.

He is a handicapped God and needs help like any

other amputee. Deborah sang, "Curse ye Meroz, said

the angel of the Lord, curse ye bitterly the inhabitants

thereof; because they came not to the help of the Lord." And

as if these words were not enough, the angel repeated,

"/o the help of the Lord against the mighty" (Judges 5:23).

The Lord needs help. Yes, He needs help. He will

never succeed without our help. And we sit in chains.

How can I decide to be happy, knowing this? If this is the

situation, I have to be concerned. I have to give up what

I had decided a few minutes before, that is, to whistle

joyfully and to dance around in my cell.

My minds gets confused again. How do I know?

Because again I made the mistake of spying on myself to

find out how my mind is. I'll leave it as it is, and I will

think about the Communists whom I love.

Long ago the Lord had predicted "upon the earth

distress of nations, with perplexity:... Men's hearts

failing them for fear, and for looking after those things

which are coming on the earth" (Luke 21:25, 26).

These words have had a multiple fulfilment: at the

destruction of the Jewish state in AD 71, at the close of

the sixth century when hordes of heathen warriors swept

down upon what was left of the decaying civilisation of

the Roman Empire, during the Moslem invasion, and at

the end of the eighteenth century in the French

Revolution. Now it happens again.

The actual catastrophes could have been averted.

Unsolved social questions have brought upon us the

great crises of our day. One could very well deduce that

74

The Beloved Communists

the Christian's response should be activism, militant

participation in the struggle against evil. Popes,

Orthodox priests, and Protestants have warned against

what might happen if Christians defaulted.

Arnold Toynbee once told a meeting of working men,

"We Christians have neglected you. Instead of justice,

we have offered you hard and unreal advice. But I think

we are changing. If you would only believe it and trust

us! There are many of us who would spend our lives in

your service." The audience jeered and yelled,

"Nobody wants you to." Toynbee was stung to the

heart, went home, and died.

The Orthodox priest Gapon had been the first to

organise a demonstration of St. Petersburg's proletariat.

With ikons in their hands they marched towards the

palace of the Czar to assure him of their loyalty and to

ask for the improvement of their life. The police shot at

the demonstrators. Then the Communists took over the

movement. They hanged the Orthodox priest.

The church has lost the opportunity to win the

proletariat to its side. We have given them into the

hands of the Communists, because we preferred a

comfortable life. We were not ready to fight in order to

win souls.

The story is old. When Gideon told an army of 32,000

Jewish warriors, "Whosoever is fearful and afraid, let

him return and depart," two-thirds of the army took

advantage of the proposal (Judges 7:3). We want to be

Christians without being involved in battle.

But it is written about Jesus that He will lead captivity

captive, which means that His love will captivate those

who are now Satan's captives.

I don't know how. The Vulgate adds to the Hebrew of

Judges 5:8: "The Lord chose a new species of war and

Himself subverted the gates of the enemy. Ten thousand

75

Alone With God

men, scarcely armed and led by a woman, defeated a

strong and well-equipped army." When the Lord

willed, He sent an angel to take a peasant, Gideon, from

the threshing floor and make him a general. Many

centuries later, a peasant girl, St. Joan of Arc, who had

never ridden a horse nor held a sword in her hand, led

the French army to victory. God chooses the most

unlikely instruments.

Dear brothers and sisters, He might have chosen the

most unqualified of you to bring to Christ a multitude of

Communists. We must be as intent on attaining our

purposes as they are on attaining theirs.

In the free world, it is customary during a strike for

men to picket the entrance to a factory. They often use

violence to keep from entering workers who choose not

to join their actions. Likewise we Christians must decide

to boycott hell, picketing the entrance with determ-

ination.

When I was a boy of fourteen, a friend took me for the

first time into a bordello. I was so ashamed and

frightened that I fled. But why were there no priests,

pastors, or Christian laymen picketing the entrance to

such houses of perdition, stopping every teenager and

telling him the risks he will incur to his soul?

We must learn to picket. We must surround hell with

a cordon and simply not allow the Communists to enter

in. If they insist, they can enter the abyss only by

stepping over our dead bodies. Our opposition should

be that strong.

God will not abolish hell if we think like this. If He

had none, His laws would not be authoritative. But

perhaps it will remain empty.

Following His dire predictions for our day, Jesus

added, "When these things begin to come to pass, look

up, and lift up your heads; for your redemption draws

76

The Beloved Communists

nigh" (Luke 21:28). From these words one might

conclude that the Christian is to shun activism and lead

a contemplative life. Therefore, don't try to stop the

onward rush of events; don't look around wondering

whom you might save. Whatever these dreadful events

may bring to others, to you they bring eternal salvation.

Keep this joyful expectation in the midst of calamity.

"Behold the fig tree, and all the trees; when they now

shoot forth, ye see and know of your own selves that

summer is now nigh at hand" (Luke 21:29, 30).

The Lord compares these awe-inspiring events, these

political and social cataclysms, with the budding of soft

green leaves in spring. You can enjoy them and lead a

quiet life. It is not up to you to change God's decree if He

has decided to punish this world.

I cannot take this attitude recommended only to

some. There are different characters, different callings.

Some are called to battle, some to still waters. I could

not tell you which of these two ways is more legitimate.

But for myself, I cannot help choosing the first.

77

VISITING MYSELF

DEAR BRETHREN AND SISTERS

As a pastor I used to make daily house calls. I was

much impressed by a story told by Bishop Latimer to his

clergy during the Reformation:

It would be too much to ask you to be pastors such as

Jesus was. I would propose another model of a good

pastor: Lucifer. He visits his whole parish daily, every

house, rich and poor. And when he enters a house, he

does not speak only to the adults. He has a story or

fairy tale prepared for every child, suitable for just his

age. Before leaving, he also enters the kitchen and says

something nice to the maid. Learn from him how to

perform your pastoral duties.

So preaching and writing books or articles were not my

principal tasks. A pastor is not a maker of sermons but a

maker of saints. Only the people I visited know how

frequently I have been in their homes.

Brother X is now in the same row of cells with me. He

recently reminded me on our "wireless" how he had

backslidden at one time.

When I rang the bell at his house (it was on a cold

winter's day), he opened the door and told me, "I won't

receive you any more. I don't want to have anything to

do with pastors." With this he slammed the door.

78

Visiting Myself

I shouted loudly, "Well, I'll wait outside until you

change your mind." So I waited, standing in the snow.

He observed me from behind the window curtain. After

a time he came out to the gate and shouted,

"Go away! I won't receive you. You'll catch

pneumonia."

"What I have to tell you is very important," I replied.

"It is worth the risk. I can wait."

In the end, he allowed me in and gave me a cup of hot

tea. Now he is probably happy to be on the way of the

cross.

As a pastor I also visited with God several times a day.

A Christian can have fellowship with Him. With

boldness he can "enter into the holiest by the blood of

Jesus" (Heb. 10:19).

God also has a habit of visiting people. He walked and

talked with the first couple in the Garden of Eden. He

visisted Abraham and Jacob, Moses and Joshua.

Though I had visited with men and God, there was

one person in my parish whom I had neglected

completely. I had never visited myself. It is written

about the prodigal son that "he came to himself." How

rarely this happens! Men travel the world over to visit

other cultures and meet new people but never knock at

the gate of their own person and say, "Good morning,

dear sir Myself. I have come to talk to you a little while."

For the prodigal son, coming to himself meant a return

to true thinking. One visit with himself was enough to

send him back to his father. How many times I had read

this story without coming to this conclusion.

Richard III had visited himself before the fatal battle

of Bosworth. He discovered much of himself (in words

given to him by Shakespeare):

Is there a murderer here? No. Yes, I am:

79

Alone With God

Then fly. What? From myself? Great reason: why?

Lest I revenge. What? myself upon myself?

Alack! I love myself. Wherefore? For any good

That I myself have done unto myself?

0 no: alas! I rather hate myself

For hateful deeds committed by myself.

1 am a villain. Yet I lie; I am hot.

Fool, of thyself speak well. Fool, do not flatter.

My conscience hath a thousand several tongues,

And every tongue brings in a several tale,

And every tale condemns me for a villain.

And so, like the prodigal son and Richard III, I decide to

visit myself.

"Hello, Me, how are you doing? I wish to have a chat

with you. We don't speak the same language. In my

language I tell you I wish to speak with you. You would

interpret it as me wishing to speak with me. But let us

not lose ourselves in semantics. Here am I and here are

you, the 'me'. Let us visit for a while."

"What would you like to know from me?"

"First of all, what is your real name? In Hebrew your

name is Reuben; in Romanian, Richard. You have

written under the pseudonym Radu Valentin. The

jailors changed your name to Vasile Georgescu. You

have had so many nicknames. And then this common

name 'Richard' sounds so different when pronounced

by different persons. Since you were thrown in this cell,

you have heard a voice giving you a new name. After a

long time the same voice gave you another name. You

are more distinguished than the conquerors in the book

of Revelation, who are promised one new name (Rev.

2:17). You are far from being a conqueror, and heaven

has already given you two."

"Don't be so harsh. Araunah (II. Sam. 24) is called in

80

Visiting Myself

God's Word by several names. Also, one and the same

king is called Uzziah and Azariah in II Kings 15, and he

is called Ozias in Matthew 1. God Himself has many

names. But as to your main question, I cannot answer it.

Once I told the Lord in prayer that since I was alone,

without Bible or other religious books, without sermons,

without brethren, He should speak to me directly. If He

could speak to Pharaohand Nebuchadnezzar, He could

speak to me, too, even if I were the last of evildoers. Then

I heard His voice (His sheep normally hear it) asking me

the same question you ask: 'What is your name?' Now

that you mention it, I wonder if I was wrong in

attributing the voice to the Lord. Perhaps it was just

you. I do not seem to realise yet how split I am. I might

interpret as external voices, as revelations from God or

whispers from the devil, what arejust internal dialogues

of a personality divided in two."

"What did you answer the Lord?"

"Stop being hypocritical! You know the answer to

that. I can't be fooled any more. It was you who put the

question, and it was 'me' who gave the answer. But as

you wish to play this game, I'll tell you the story. I did

not know the answer. I can introduce myself to

everybody as Richard. But how do I tell Jesus that my

name is Richard? Am I worthy of this name?

"St. Richard was an English peasant who, in a time of

fierce persecution, was ordered to be imprisoned for his

faith. When the arresting constable mounted his horse

to ride to him, the animal went berserk, throwing his

rider and injuring him fatally. So now Richard was

charged with murder. The prosecution had a clear case.

If he had not been a believer, the constable would not

have mounted the horse to pick him up and so would not

have fallen and died. As you see, Communist justice has

had its predecessors.

81

Alone With God

"And now Richard was on the gallows. The hangman

had difficulty fixing the noose of the rope. Richard, who

was so good he could not bear to trouble anyone, bowed

to the executioner and asked, 'May I help you? I am a

peasant skilled in these things.' Allowed to do so, he

fixed the noose, thanked the hangman graciously for his

kind permission, and passed away. For this loving

attitude toward the executioner and for his gentleness in

all things he was given the name St. Richard. How

could I dare to tell Jesus that I bear the same name as

this man?

"Should I tell Him that I am a Christian? With the

proud words Christianus sum, 'I am a Christian,' the first

disciples fearlessly entered the arena to be devoured by

lions. I have often stood before a cage of lions at the zoo

and asked myself honestly, 'Could I do that?' My answer

is always, 'No, I would rather recant.'

"Well, to finish my story, I bowed to Jesus and told

Him, 'Lord, I have no name. Allow me to take Yours

and to say like Paul that it is not I who live, but You in

me.' So He allowed it. At least, that is what I thought at

the time. Now I know that it was all a mistake. You

allowed it; that is, I gave myself the kind permission to

be called by the name of Christ. I am unsurpassed in

humility, it seems."

"Keep to the rules of the game. We are two different

persons. I am I and you are you. If you say that you are

no longer you, but that Christ lives in you, let us draw

the ultimate conclusion. Perhaps you have no in-

dividual soul any more. Buddhists deny its existence.

Salvation consists in being freed from the illusion of

having a soul. Would you agree now? Ha, ha. I caught

you there. If you answer, you live still. And if you don't

answer, I have triumphed in this discussion. I could do

this only because I am. And as you and I are one and the

82

Visiting Myself

same person, we continued to live - unlike Paul, who

asserted that he had ceased to be."

"I have nothing to answer. I cannot tell you in words

anything about myself, not even whether I exist. A man

described in words is not the real man, any more than a

God described in words is the real God. It is useless to

continue along these lines."

"Then may I ask you another question? Do you have

the Holy Spirit?"

"I surely have Him, but He does not have me. The

union is an unhappy one. But you are comical. You are a

prisoner. So am I. And here we sit discussing

metaphysics when my mind is obsessed with just one

thought: I am terribly hungry. I would eat acorns, grass,

mice - anything. My wife must also be in some cell. Her

predominant obsession must also be hunger."

His talking about hunger reminded me of my

stomach. The visit ceased without even a polite word of

parting. I simply was alone again. As usual, the

physiological was victorious. I am hungry, and I am

indignant against the churches of the West, about whose

riches I have heard, some of which spend on chandeliers

what could feed us all for a whole month. And I am

angry with those who keep us hungry. Love, like every

other spiritual energy, is food transformed and sub-

limated. When you are very hungry, how can you love

the one who starves you?

I am sorry I could not finish the discussion I had when

I visisted myself. I would have liked to ask myself just

one more question: "Do you approve of violence against

atheist tyrants?"

You have eaten. Visit God, visit your brethren, but

never forget to visit yourself too. The prodigal son

"came to himself. Amen.

83

NEW YEAR

HAPPY NEW YEAR, MY BELOVED FRIENDS

Outside, the wardens interrupt the silence. They wish

one another a happy new year. It is midnight. The year

1948 has passed. I cannot congratulate Jesus. It has been

1915 years since He was crucified. The 1916th nail will

now be driven into His cross.

I know that every doubt of mine causes Him more

pain, as if a new dart were piercing His heart. But He

has asked us to go further than that, if necessary, in order

to have life. He invites us to eat His flesh and drink His

blood, as lions devour an innocent victim, as if it were

only by disembowelling the Godhead that we can find

out what it is. He wishes to be known more than He

wishes to be caressed. Excessive desire to know the truth

is not a vice. I cannot live without knowing God. I don't

consider modesty in questioning Him a virtue.

There was a time when Jesus "had no fault, or I no

fault could spy, when He was all beauty or all blindness

I".

But now, since I have nothing left in this whole world

but my wit to live by, it has begun to value itself very

highly. All else seems of little importance. My wit has

questions to ask and I cannot stop it.

I have liked very much the story of St. Christopher.

He was branded with red-hot irons, roasted over a fire,

and cooked in boiling oil, but suffered no pain and was

84

New Tear

not bothered by this kind of treatment. Observing this,

almost fifty thousand persons were converted. A drop of

the saint's blood healed someone who was accidentally

injured while watching Christopher's execution.

I like a God who does miracles of such magnitude.

I realise now that the New Testament had never

satisfied me really, because I found the miracles

recounted there much too small for the Son of God.

Three people were resurrected, but millions of corpses

remained dead. Only three families had the comfort of

seeing their beloved ones restored to life. Many widows

whose only sons died remained without consolation.

Jesus stilled a storm, but on so small a lake as Galilee.

Tempests on the ocean sank countless ships, and men

drowned. He did not help them. On one occasion 4,000

and on another 5,000 (plus women and children) had a

good dinner through miracles performed by Him. What

about the next day when they were hungry again? And

what about the millions who have starved throughout

the ensuing centuries?

He sent an angel to free Peter from prison. The

incident stands alone. James was beheaded, and since

then thousands have been martyred. Why?

How can the world go on? It is New Year's Eve.

Everywhere people speak to each other, trying to spread

joy among themselves.

Solomon sacrificed in Gibeon, a place forbidden by

law because the tabernacle was not there (I Kings 3:4).

You did not mind but spoke words of goodness and

blessing in that place to the man who, even after he had

a vision of You, continued to do many wicked things. I

might be wicked, too, but have pity on a lonely man. I

know You do only small miracles. Do just a very little

thing more. Speak to one single prisoner out of

thousands.

85

Alone With God

I don't understand You. Don't You have power

enough? Don't You have the will to wipe away all tears?

Could You make only a couple of big saints like

Christopher? Why did he not suffer pain when he was

burned? Why did St. Lawrence engage in pleasantries

while roasted on a gridiron, whereas I feel intensely even

the pain of a slap or a kick? Over 45,000 were converted

at Christopher's death. Even this does not satisfy me, as I

always decried the boasting of evangelists about how

many decided for Christ at their meetings. I compared

their figures with those who had decided on the same

night for pubs, gambling houses, places of perdition,

and heathen religions.

Love is compared with death in Song of Solomon 8:6.

Death is satisfied with nothing less than absolutely all

men. Till now only two have escaped death: Enoch and

Elijah. But some say they will come back to earth and

will be the prophets that are slain, about whom we are

told in Revelation 11. If so, they will have to pay their

tribute to death, too.

As death wants everyone, so I want all men for the

Kingdom.

I made a crucifix out of bread, an ugly crucifix. I had

never modelled anything before. And the bread was

darker than most bread.

I look to You hanging on the cross. You are silent.

Again I have to guess what Your answer may be.

If I were in the puplit today dressed in a beautiful

cassock, I would speak about the one great miracle,

that a lonely Galilean who hung upon a horrible

cross became the subject of thousands of confident

songs, that the painful execution of a Man deemed a

criminal proved to be the means of salvation for the

whole world.

But inwardly I would be dissatisfied. What you have

86

New.Tear

done is beautiful, but too little for an almighty God who

could make the whole drama cease at once. Why are

You silent?

Perhaps it is not good for me to know or to escape

suffering. Perhaps suffering is the way to the other shore.

But are You not almighty? Gould you not have made an

easier way, so that men might get to heaven by passing

through valleys in which roses and lilies grow?

Probably / am too small - not Your miracles. I am a

disciple of Yours. But Christianity is the only profession

in the world in which men remain disciples for life and

never become independent workers. As for the few

workers, they don't strive to become master builders (I

Cor. 3:10), as were Paul, Peter, Thomas, Catherine of

Siena, Calvin, and Luther. How could an architect

explain his designs to a disciple? Only a master builder

could understand him.

If I grow, I will know. You are like Gulliver among

dwarfs. Even You cannot bow so low that we may be

able to understand something. We have to take the word

of Augustine: "Whatever right reason suggests to you as

more perfect, you may be sure that God has already

made it, for He is the creator of all things good." I

suppose that all the beautiful things I crave exist, but I

cannot see them yet.

We must also reject the mistaken notion that a whole

can be perfect only if each of its parts is perfect.

Iago is vicious, an intrigue-maker and a liar, but he is

a necessary part in a perfect work of art, Othello. For my

part, I am in a small cell. We are all confined to too small

a world. Imperfections seen by me can be a useful part of

a perfect reality.

Thank You for one more year. I will try to use it well

for growth. Perhaps I will question You less next New

Year's Eve.

87

Alone With God

Happy and enlightened New Year to you, my former

congregation.

88

BEFORE SUICIDE

DEAR BRETHREN AND SISTERS

After producing many beautiful compositions, Robert

Schumann began to hear bizarre noises in his head. He

spoke about "a splendid music, played by instruments

which give more beautiful tunes than those existing on

earth". He tried to write them down. The result was

cacophony. But he desired only that music. One day he

threw himself into the Rhine. Fishermen saved him, but

his mind was gone. He died in an asylum.

Suicide or madness will probably be my end too,

because I have also heard strange music. I can't even try

to notate it, not being skilled at composing music, so I

will try to explain it in words. Pray while listening. But

be careful it is music that invites you to leave this world.

A Russian brother related to us how he once

explained the Gospel to a young girl. He told her about

the Paradise that awaits the believer. She put her trust

in Jesus. One stormy winter day she left the house. The

next morning she was found frozen to death, with bared

breast. Did she undress herself in order to die and go

more quickly to Paradise? We shall never know. But

strange things happen in mysterious, holy Russia. We

had given Bibles to Russian soldiers. Later, one of them

entered a church and slaughtered a lamb before the

image of Jesus. This was the little he had understood

from the Bible, and he acted upon it without hesitancy.

89

Alone With God

The music I hear is an invitation not to wait for a

paradise after death but to come to it immediately. If

you want to see this music in an image, look at a statue of

Krishna dancing and playing a flute to invite girls to

come to his temple. But don't think you have seen an

idol. Rather, it is an archetype of the collective

unconscious. It is music that invites you to do the most

foolish and unacceptable things because that is how it

impresses you. The explanation for what you felt you

had to do comes later. It was the music that caused the

Jews to say at Mount Sinai, "Naase venishma" - "We will

do and we will hear" (Ex. 24:7). The doing comes before

the hearing - not the contrary.

But there is also something else in this music,

something terrifying, that drives you mad.

For a long time I have made it a habit to be awake

only during the night. Great spiritual battles are usually

fought at night. You sense in the darkness the occult

forces that inspire murderers and thieves, who also

perform their works of iniquity during the night. Stalin

worked during the whole night.

I pray for a time and then just listen. From

immeasurable Satanic depths, fiery darts are thrown at

the soul. St. Marguerite Alacoque once saw the virgin

Mary, who told her, "I wish to put in your heart a few of

the darts which hurt me and my Son." The devil also

wishes to make you share his pain. Once his dart enters

your heart, even manna becomes tasteless to you. You

prefer to remain hungry rather than eat something that

comes from God.

During the war a badly wounded SS officer fell

prisoner to the British. He urgently needed a blood

transfusion. He asked, "What kind of blood will it be?"

He was told, "British." His reply was, "I prefer to die

rather than have non-German blood introduced into

90

Before Suicide

my veins." He stuck to his convictions till death

overtook him.

This tune is the counterpoint to God's music. You can

never hear the latter without Satan's accompaniment to

it, which is even more attractive to our hearts than the

angelic choir.

"Commit suicide," this music commands. "You are

called to be great. Why do you need Jesus as your

Messiah? What if you are the Messiah? Or, if you

consider the place of the Messiah already occupied, the

role of Antichrist is still free. He will rule the world.

People once described you as a fascinating preacher.

Thus your fascination could be increased. Just try."

And then you hear serene, calm, angelic playing on

harps. It is so beautiful you remain in ecstasies before it,

but it does not convince. It does not satisfy desire like the

first.

Once I had the experience of speaking with a

messenger of a Satanist conventicle. I had never seen

him before. Even now I could not explain how it

happened that one day I found myself sitting before

him. What he told me and what he proposed to me was

so terrible that I never told it to anyone except saintly

Bishop Müller, who I knew would take the secret to his

grave. Does this conventicle have the means of pursuing

me by telepathy even in my subterranean cell? But it is

those with a persecution complex who feel themselves

pursued by inimical forces. So perhaps I am already a

madman. On the other hand, I cannot see how one can

be as badly persecuted as I am without being paranoid.

How about my beginning to persecute them? If they

can influence men to evil from afar, I could pursue them

with good on condition that I become a great centre of

spiritual energy. Here you have megalomania following

the mania of persecution. Where can I find the answers?

91

Alone With God

With God? Then isn't it best to commit suicide and go

ask Him directly, since here on earth He leaves my mind

blurred?

Here or in some other world I want to spread good far

away. To love my neighbour is too little for me. Jesus

promised that the righteous will shine like suns in the

kingdom of the Father. A sun gives life to billions of

beings. He has promised this, and I will not accept less. I

have become righteous through faith in Jesus. He did

not say that the righteous will have to wait decades until

they die and then become suns. I have to become a sun

immediately, to fill the world with light and goodness, to

bring whole nations to Christ.

Theologians would tell me that it is not my

responsibility to do this, but it must be done by the

church universal, of which I am only a small part. But

theology ceases at the threshold of this prison and on the

threshold of madness.

I wish to be a Christ in miniature. The words "a

miniature" are a concession on my part. This call, too, is

in the music I hear. I cannot put it in words, even as

Schumann could not put it into notes. He went mad and

threw himself into the river. After hearing this music,

you tell Jesus, "Give Yourself to me wholly, or leave me

wholly." Amen.

92

MY GREATNESS

DEAR BRETHREN AND SISTERS

Preachers in the pulpit should be very careful about

what they say and how they say it. They must be

selective. I must not. Why? King Abimelech and

Phichol, the chief captain of his host, said to Abraham,

"God is with thee in all that thou doest" (Genesis 21:22).

I can say all I think. I am blessed in everything.

A fly once sat quietly on the horn of a bull. After a

while, overcome by scruples, it said, "Mr. Bull, it may

be that my presence here displeases you. If so, I

apologise and will leave."

"Don't feel bad," the bull answered. "You can bring

your whole family to live on my horn. It really does not

matter to me."

Peter was called a rock (Matt. 16:18). It is a matter of

indifference to a rock from which side the wind blows.

I have become hard like a horn. Therefore, come,

thoughts of whatever kind; better plague me instead of

plaguing someone else. I can bear you.

I can even bear the proud feeling that I am important.

Not only can I bear it, I have to evoke it, because pride is

an essential part of megalomania. I have decided to be

mad. I have not yet chosen my specific kind of madness.

But I incline towards this.

There are two extremes. King Lear prayed, "O, let

me not be mad, not mad, sweet heaven. Keep me in

93

Alone With God

temper, I would not be mad." His prayer was not

answered. He became mad. Rimbaud, on the contrary,

had made it his aim to practise a long, tremendous, and

reasoned derangement of all his senses in order to reach

the unknown. If reason proved itself unable to reach the

unknown, he concluded, how else could it be reached

than through disordering reason intentionally? He

never became mad, though he did become very vicious.

Jesus, St. Paul, and the apostles must have worked

upon their characters in a certain way in order to

convince so many men that they were mad or drunk.

The Beghards in the thirteenth century must have

done something, similar to what some Pentecostals do

nowadays, to help spread the rumour about them that

they made wolfish howlings in their fits of religious

raving.

In a sense, everybody is mad. Some are mad for

money, others for sexual partners. The Communists are

mad for power. I wish definitely to be mad for God. Just

as one has to work oneself up to the other kinds of

madness, one has to work oneself up for this, too. It

seems that it is human destiny to become mad. If it is our

fate to be drowned, then rather in a sea of perfume than

in a ditch of mud.

There exists also a mad loyalty. One of Shakespeare's

fools said:

That, sir, which serves and seeks for gain

And follows but for form,

Will pack when it begins to rain

And leave thee in the storm.

But I will tarry, the fool will stay

And let the wise man fly.

If I remain reasonable, there is a good chance that I will

94

My Greatness

end by betraying the underground Church. Only fools

can remain loyal when they are so terribly hungry.

I am quite determined to become mad. My madness

will be to believe that I have the Godhead living in me.

Whoever thinks like this is called by others a

megalomaniac. And the accusation is not even false.

Such a man really considers himself great.

The commandments on Moses' tablets are given in

the singular form. Not "ye" but "thou" shalt not do this

or that. God tells me how to behave. Christ says, "Blessed

art thou" (Matt. 16:17) to the man to whom it is revealed

that Jesus is the Son of God. My defects are criticised in

the Bible. So I must be imporant. The Bible is God's

dialogue with me.

The renowned Jewish philosopher Spinoza once

wrote, "There is no foe to progress like self-conceit and

the laziness which self-conceit begets." But prison life is

not favourable to the development of humility.

Just because we are continually abused, dressed in

what looks like zebra-skins, beaten, insulted daily with

obscene words, an over-compensation takes place in our

minds. I must be very important if such a powerful

movement as Communism, which rules unchallenged

one third of the world, considers it absolutely necessary

to keep me in an isolated, subterranean cell and

endeavours to break my body and mind. If they did not

do so, my life in liberty could endanger their existence.

I am unspeakably hungry. I think sometimes about

those who survived the Nobile expedition to the North

Pole and were suspected of having eaten the corpse of

one of their comrades who had frozen to death. I wonder

if I would not have done the same thing.

There is mould on my bread. It is green. As often as I

get it - once a week - it reminds me of Psalm 23: "He

makes me to lie down in green pastures." My whole

95

Alone With God

body has tremblings which I cannot control.

I cannot speak well any more. I have not spoken for

years. I stutter when I report in a few words a need to a

warden. One of them told me, "You're an idiot. Don't

you see that you can't even formulate a sentence?" He

said this to one who remembered being considered a

good preacher in times past.

I could easily yield to the strong impulse to become a

madman in the full sense of the word, if I did not know

that I am surrounded by the love of a multitude of

Christians, by a real wall of prayers, as many other

Christians are not. What makes me so important in their

eyes?

What in my preaching and in myself is so great that

the Communists have to warn men against my influence

and seek to break me?

Am I really great?

I believe I am. I vaguely remember the name of

Bernhard de Palissy as the inventor of porcelain. He was

a Protestant, and the French King Henry III, a

Catholic, to whom he had endeared himself, said to him

one day, "I will be compelled to give you up to your

enemies unless you change your religion." .

Palissy answered, "I pity you for having given

utterance to the words 'I shall be compelled.' What

unkingly words! No power in the world can compel me,

a manufacturer of earthenware, to change my con-

victions because a mob wills it."

All my torturers are compelled to torture me. They

know that if they refuse they will share my fate. I am

beyond compulsion. So are all my brethren in faith.

Therefore we are the only ones who really exist. I am,

because I am myself. And I am great, because I am /.

There is a hymn "How Great Thou Art." In the

maddening circumstances of the solitary cell, I could

96

My Greatness

almost compose a hymn, "How Great / Am," I, the

Bible's only concern.

The Bible tells me about my salvation, about God's

being amazingly eager to have me in His Heaven.

Scripture does not solve national problems. A scrap of

newspaper found in the toilet informed us that the state

of Israel was founded. Judaism will not have solved its

worries through this event. The new state will have its

trouble, just as Romanians who were never scattered

have had theirs, going from one distress to another.

Empires have passed away without ever having their

problems solved.

The Bible does not solve the problem of the division of

mankind into social classes. "The poor always ye have

with you" (John 12:8).

The Bible does not solve religious problems. Two

thousand years after Christ there are still hundreds of

religions. Christianity itself is divided.

The Bible speaks about me.

I must be important if my captors strive so hard to

break me and God strives so hard to uplift me.

The Bible speaks about me as being a god (John

10:34), a sinner (Rom. 3:23), a seed (1 Cor. 15:42), and

the ground (Matt. 13:8). The Kingdom of God is within

me (Luke 17:21). Would you like to know where Christ

lives? I can give you His exact address: "Christ lives in

me" (Gal. 2:20), within me, the abused prisoner kept in

prison cell No. 7.1 am dust (Gen. 3:19), but a dust apart,

which will live eternally (John 11:25).

If a man renounces everything for Christ's sake,"

everything becomes full of Him. How can one be

humble when he fills the universe? How can one be

humble when he can speak the seemingly blasphemous

words which put him on an equal footing with God, "I

can do all things" (Phil. 4:13)? Let the addition be

97

Alone With God

"through Christ who strengthens me." Whatever the

circumstances that make me so powerful, it still remains

that I am great. "I can do all things."

In modern languages "God of Abraham" or "God of

Isaac" are three words. In Hebrew the corresponding

expression Elohei-Abraham, united by the orthographical

sign called mappekh, makes "God of Abraham" a single

word. God can leave me only if He takes me with Him,

so united have we become. The Kabala says, "God with

Israel is God. God without Israel is not God."

I pace up and down my small cell. It has room for

three steps. I do not allow my captors to dictate how

many steps I should walk; I always walk just two steps.

This limited space I occupy falsely tempts me to

consider myself small and insignificant. We all live in

too-small inner universes. We are great. When Jesus

arranged the miraculous draught of fish, He allowed

only great fish to enter the net (John 21:11).

We are one with God through Christ. God is one. He

is so much one that in giving birth to a Son, in

emanating the Spirit, in uniting with millions of men,

He never abandons His absolute oneness. Schiller

complained, "Two souls live within my breast." He

should have thrown them both out and allowed himself

the privilege of an indestructible oneness with God.

Then he would have been great without ever having

written a poem or drama. There would be no need of a

pedestal any more in order to seem great.

I sit hungry, with chains on my legs, in a subterranean

cell. I stutter when I speak some banality and I am great.

As children of God we are so great that we do not have

to fear the supernatural world. It fears us. St. James

wrote, "Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." The

devil did not flee from the archangel Michael but

battled courageously against him (Rev. 12:7). From me

98

My Greatness

he simply flees. The disciples of the Lord can drive out

demons with a few simple words.

The Indian Christian mystic Sadhu Sundar Singh

once found himself in the Himalayas and entered a cave

to rest. But as soon as he lay down, he observed in the

depths of the cave the glimmering eyes of a tiger. Sadhu

begged God to save him and walked out softly. He

succeeded. The beast had not moved. But once outside

he was filled with remorse. He was a child of God. He

should not have walked out. The tiger should have

yielded to him. So he prayed for this, re-entered the

cave, and this time the tiger walked out leaving Sadhu

alone.

But the marvel is that we have power over not only

evil forces, but also over good angels. Jacob fought with

a good angel and prevailed (Gen. 32:24, Hos. 12:4). Our

heavenly Bridegroom Himself says to the faithful soul,

"Turn away thine eyes from me, for they have overcome

me" (Song of Solomon 6:5). The faithful soul is of such

irresistible beauty in God's sight that He is conquered

the moment He hears our voice. Jesus promises, "Ye

shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you"

(John 15:7), which means that we will have the victory

in every conversation with God.

I believe in God. I have this power. I am something.

And here in my prison cell, which might as well be a

psychiatric ward since to a certain extent I have long

since gone mad, knowing what the grace of Christ has

made of me, I will dare to sing the song that expresses

what every Christian thinks in the depths of his heart

but does not dare to say in so many words: "Then sings

my soul, my Saviour God to Thee, 'How great I am,

how great I am.'"

That I feel unworthy and weak does not count. When

Zacharias, the father of St. John the Baptist, hesitated to

99

Alone With God

believe the promise of God saying, "I am an old man"

(Luke 1:18), he received this reply from the divine

messenger: "I am Gabriel." In Hebrew the word "I"

has two forms, Ani and the amplified Anohi. Somewhere

there might be a little "I" named "Richard." But it has

been amplified by angels and by Christ Himself, and

now it is great.

Mock me as much as you like, torturers. Your abuses

have had just the opposite effect from what you

expected. You have not humiliated me. You have

shown me my greatness.

"I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully

made" (Psalms 139:14), says David, uniting words of

self-admiration with words of gratitude towards the

One to whom we owe our greatness.

I thank you, God, that I am great. Amen.

100

BEWARE OF NARCISSISM

DEAR BRETHREN AND SISTERS

My blurred reason swings like a pendulum from one

extreme to the other. I know that my sermons are not

well balanced. Yesterday I was full of admiration for my

great "I". Such a sermon I would never have delivered

from a pulpit. If it reaches you from my prison cell, take

it with reservations. Not all sermons are the expression

of objective truth. Sometimes they just reflect a

transitory mood of the preacher. Just as a song is not a

succession of single notes or chords but is heard in

between, unwritten, so God's revelation is not in any

one sermon, but runs as a theme between sermons.

Now I feel just the opposite of the way I felt yesterday.

How could I admire myself?

If there were a human being with the right to self-

admiration it was the Virgin Mary. She was of a purity

which all the lilies on earth and all the stars in the sky

could envy. She was filled with passionate love for God.

I do not know any human being who might have been as

God-like as Mary.

She had the dual honour of being a princess and a

virgin, not only in body but also in spirit. She was a great

poet. Her song, is outstanding. Referring to her words,

"Henceforth all generations shall call me blessed"

(Luke 1:48), Spurgeon said, "I suppose Protestant

generations are among the 'all' who ought to call her

101

Alone With God

blessed" (Charles Spurgeon, Christ's Names and Titles).

Legend says that it was St. Luke's hobby to paint

pictures of Mary. One is supposedly in Italy. This

legend might not be true. But it is certain that Luke

painted a beautiful picture of her in his Gospel. To

contemplate this picture is ennobling.

An angel spoke directly to her, but she never said the

foolish words which I said yesterday, "How great I am! "

While Gabriel showed her his respect, she called herself

a "handmaid of the Lord" and was humble in her

dealing with the divine messenger. She responded, "Be

it unto me according to thy word" (Luke 1:38). Luther

writes "Mary, after the annunciation, does not boast,

does not shout, 'I have become the mother of God,' she

asks for no honour, but works in the house like before,

milks the cows, cooks, washes dishes, sweeps and is busy

with little, despised things, as a maid or housewife

should do and as if she would disdain the great gifts and

graces. Women and neighbours don't consider her as

something higher than before. Neither did she ask for it

but she remained a poor woman among the little

people."

She had understood the full depth of his words, "The

power of the Highest shall overshadow thee" (Luke

1:35). When God intervenes in the life of a man, he

begins to love the shadow. The bride in Song of Solomon

(2:3) says about her beloved, "I sat down under his

shadow with great delight."

"In the shadow of his hand has he hid me," says Isaiah

(49:2).

Self-admiration is false. How the wardens and officers

take pride in their uniforms. They are as sure that they

prepare the future happiness of mankind as their

enemies are sure that the Communists are devils. Every

nation, religion, party and caste sees only ideal qualities

102

Beware Of Narcissism

in itself and chops off the heads of others in order to

appear taller.

How horribly wrong were my feelings yesterday. I

was enamoured of myself. It was only after I delivered

the sermon that I remembered Romans 15:3, "Christ

pleased not himself." He would not allow a young man

to call Him "good". Neither did He have a bias for the

religion of His childhood. He called the temple a den of

thieves. I do not think He is much in love with what is

commonly called the Christian Church either, although

it bears His name. He sees His picture painted on walls

and stained glass windows. Inside, a priest or pastor

fulfils the role of a businessman, and even this he does

not do well. Proof of it is the fact that the "grocers" who

attempt to sell spiritual commodities increasingly lose

customers.

Jesus did not please Himself. The virgin Mary did

not. Should I congratulate myself because I did the Lord

the kindness of repenting of my sins and receiving His

forgiveness?

Did I even really repent? The Bible speaks of

sackcloth and ashes as the outward evidence of true

repentance. I try in vain to remember even one

acquaintance who ever repented like this. What man is

there who, in order to think uprightly, to believe only

what is based on fact, to have faith and not credulity, to

avoid any uncontrolled thoughts, to judge dispassion-

ately, in a disinterested manner, resisting any pressure,

hatred, preference, fear or illusion, even if this meant

being stripped of everything - what man chooses to be

clothed in nondescript rags and to have, instead of a

warm fireside, only the ashes of a fire quenched long

before?

Where is the man who has repented so deeply that he

is willing to renounce even eternity if he thought it a

103

Alone With God

hindrance to the fulfilment of the Kingdom? Who has

repented so whole-heartedly that Jesus and only Jesus

counts?

We repent of our sins and then commit the sin of

admiring our repentance, instead of repenting of it as of

a trespass because it is superficial.

Yesterday my torturers secured my legs with a rope.

Then they wedged a stick between the bonds. The stick

was turned until the rope, tightened to the breaking

point, bit deeply into the flesh. Their torture prejudices

us against them so that we cannot concede that they are

right in their thinking. Holiness is the same thing as

ideal Communism. Holiness means to have nothing of

your own, no material goods, no sin, no righteousness of

your own, not even repentance of your own. Holiness is

perfect communion or sharing with Jesus and the saints.

Our lives should have been Jesus and only Jesus. Then

the Communists would have become Christians.

An artist sang Rigoletto badly. People booed her.

Indignant, she said to her colleagues, "What an

uneducated audience! They dare to jeer Verdi!" They

did not jeer the composer but the performer. I believe

that those who beat us opposed not Christ but us

Christians who admired ourselves without reason.

Every man's energy budget is fixed. The more he

spends on one activity the less remains for something

else. It is vain to spend energy on self and self-

admiration when we need all our energy for things of

eternal value.

I know that today's sermon is just the opposite of

yesterday's. A pastor would never dare contradict

himself so obviously in the pulpit. He is under

compulsion to be consistent in order to be respected. But

I am free simply because I am in a solitary cell.

Contradictory thoughts and sentiments pass through

104

Beware Of Narcissism

my mind just as they do through yours. I give you all of

me.

The whole philosophy of the Christian mystics is

contained in the following parable. Once there were

three beautiful birds in the same tree. The one in the

topmost branches was serene, enthroned in majesty,

immersed in its own glory. In the lower branches, the

second was agitated because the fruit it tasted was bitter,

while the third found the fruit tasty, but the sweetness

lasted only as long as the food was on its little tongue. In

their common disappointment, the two latter birds

hopped higher and higher on the branches until they

approached the serene bird. Losing themselves in its

glory, they discovered that there had never been three

birds but only one - the majestic one.

I told you in one sermon my feeling of being exalted,

in another my humiliation. While composing the first I

felt well, but alas, for such a short moment. Humiliation

on the other hand is bitter. With my false glory and

worthless humility I came to the divine bird that wishes

to gather her little ones under her wings. Here both

states of heart disappeared. There is none other than the

one Jesus. All the rest is illusion, not worth mentioning.

Amen.

105

THE SHADOW HAS BEEN BROUGHT

BACKWARD

DEAR BRETHREN AND SISTERS

King Hezekiah of the Jews was sick. The prophet

Isaiah had promised him that he would recover and,

yielding to his request, promised him a sign that this

would happen. Now, Hezekiah had a sundial. Isaiah

prayed, and the Lord "brought the shadow ten degrees

backward" (II Kings 20:11).

Many find it difficult to believe that the shadow went

backward ten hours, but the Bible does not claim this. It

is written "ten degrees", not "ten hours". The degrees

could have been minutes, or even less.

Neither must we suppose that, for the performance of

this miracle, the earth would have had to turn backward

on its axis, contrary to its natural course. The

phenomenon could have occurred by means of

refraction. A ray of light is refracted from a straight line

by passing through a medium of another density.

Because of the refracting power of the atmosphere, the

sun, when rising or setting, seems to be higher above the

horizon than it really is. The miracle could have been

performed by means of refraction.

The Jewish sundial had a unique form. In II Kings

9:13 it is written that the friends of Jehu, when he was

proclaimed king, "took every man his garment, and put

106

The Shadow Has Been Brought Backward

it under him on the top of the stairs." The Targum of

Rabbi Joseph (a Targum is an Aramaic translation of a

book) here used the words lidrag sheaiya, meaning the

hour-steps. The division of time was shown by a shadow

projected on stone steps, gradually ascending to a

certain height.

This also gives meaning to the title of Psalms 120

through 134, "Songs of Degrees". They are Psalms

through whose meditation you can advance in time, but

also return to former times on certain occasions.

Try to understand what a gift Hezekiah received. Not

only did the shadow on the sundial return but also the

time indicated by the shadow. He was younger. A few

minutes or hours were as if they had not passed yet. All

hours and days belong to God, and He can let you relive

today an hour from thirty years ago.

At Cana, Jesus changed the water into "good wine"

(John 2:10). Good wine is old wine. So Jesus changed

water not into a liquid which immediately became

wine, but a liquid which had become wine long before.

When a man is converted, not only are his present and

future transformed, but also his past. He is changed into

a man who has always been elect and righteous in God's

eyes.

The shadow has gone backward on my sundial, too. I

am a child again. Life is before me as if I had not lived it

yet, and now I am free to change decisions that I think

were wrong. Hindsight is always better than foresight.

At my present age I know better what I should have

done in childhood and in youth. Now I can go back and

do it. Time is reversible for the faithful. We sing the

songs of degrees and ascend and descend freely on the

steps of time.

I am eight years old again. Until then I had never

heard about Christ. On this particular occasion I came

107

Alone With God

from school with another child. He stopped before a

Catholic church and asked me to wait while he

delivered a message to the priest. I preferred to enter

with him and so found myself in a Christian church for

the first time.

I understood absolutely nothing of what I observed. I

saw someone hanging on a cross and wondered what

horrible deeds He must have committed to be punished

like that. I saw a beautiful lady with a child in her arms.

You will say that I saw only the statues. It might be. I

remember seeing the Crucified and a Lady. Now that

the shadow has gone back on the sundial, I see that my

memory is correct. Only blind men see crosses and

statues in churches. There was the lady and a multitude

of other beings looking benign, calm, loving (as people

never look ordinarily). I wondered who these were and

why they stood in this half-dark house in complete

silence.

The boy spoke with the priest. I had not the slightest

idea what a priest was. But this then came to me and

caressed me on my head. Why don't priests do this more

often? We bring our children to pastors that they might

teach them. Children were brought to Jesus that He

might touch them. The right touch of a man who knows

how to bless is worth a thousand teachings.

He asked me, "What can I do for you, little fellow?" I

answered, "Nothing. I just entered with my comrade."

Then this priest (I found out after almost fifty years that

his name was Giuseppe Cavane) told me, "I am the

disciple of One who has taught me never to allow

anybody to pass near me without doing him at least a

little bit of good. It is hot outside. Would you allow me to

bring you a cup of cold water?" I have drunk many

beverages since then, but none tasted like this water.

I was stupid then. I left the priest without questioning

108

The Shadow Has Been Brought Backward

him further. But now I am again a boy of eight. And I sit

down near the priest and ask him more and more about

this mysterious One who does good to everybody and

teaches people to do the same. I would have heard that

He is the One crucified for His goodness, that the

beautiful lady was His mother, and that the beings with

wings are his angelic host. Today I can become a

disciple of Jesus from the age of eight.

I don't think that I would have listened to the priest

very long. He probably would not have spoken much. It

is so wrong to interrupt the silence of churches even with

sermons and splendid music. Often nothing more is

needed than just looking to Jesus. If he had explained to

me that it was for my sins He suffered, it would have

been enough.

And now I stand near the sad mother at the foot of the

cross.

When I first saw her standing there, a scene flashed

through my mind. I had been sick with typhus at a very

early age. The doctor, who could not possibly imagine

that I knew French, said to my mother in this language,

"There is no hope. The child will die." I asked my

mother, "What is death?" and she began to weep. She

did not tell me. She did not know herself that it means a

return to God. But Mary knows. She is sad, but

confident. She looks much younger than He.

A sword pierces her heart. I will take it out of her

heart. But how? I am so small and weak. Oh, if the

shadow could advance faster on the sundial. I wish to

grow, just enough to be able to do what I wish. Then I

would ask her how we could help Jesus not to hang on

the cross.

Mary, speak now and tell me that the whole dreadful

scene has passed, that He is resurrected. How strange

that I should have grown up as a Jew among Christian

109

Alone With God

children and yet no one ever told me this until now. But

He did suffer, and she, too.

I can make decisions anew. I will never again leave

this building. How wrong it was to start Christian

activities, to become a missionary, to accomplish rituals.

One thing is needed: to sit quietly in this hushed place

and to live the oneness.

A Russian soldier told us about an atheist lecturer

who had come to an underground meeting. The

Christian preacher asked him at the exit, "How many

do you think were here?" He answered, "A hundred."

The preacher replied, "This is what you saw. Actually,

we were one, one soul and one heart. We are one person

who bears the name 'hundred'. We are one who soars

towards heaven, and heaven inclines towards us with all

its beauties. If you could feel for one moment the rapture

of this oneness, not only with our fellowmen but with the

whole creation and with God, you would leave

everything in the world for it."

No more is needed than to be just one. I can start life

again. It will no longer lead an active but a contem-

plative life: the quiet enjoyment of oneness.

But no, it seems I am not made for this.

The priest in the church teaches me the who and the

what of life. I grow up in the Church. The shadow on the

sundial advances again, but slowly. I have time. The

Church, a loving mother and teacher, also shows me

how to lead the Christian fight. In my other life I had to

guess at it and made many mistakes.

We know from the episodes of Gethsemane that the

disciples of Jesus were armed. It is natural to have

defensive weapons when you are threatened. Peter

carried a sword but had no idea how to handle it. He cut

off the right ear of the high priest's servant. What was

the good of that? A policeman with a cut ear can still

110

The Shadow Has Been Brought Backward

arrest your beloved. Don't fight - but if you have

decided to fight, hit your adversary right on the head.

Jesus then points out that the sword is not a toy, that you

can perish from it. Whoever has inhibitions about the

enemies of the Church and cuts off only ears had better

keep his sword in its sheath.

God said, "The seed of the woman shall bruise thy

(the serpent's) head." Instead of this, we sometimes

tickle the serpent on the belly and make him laugh. It is

all because we have not learned the "how". But I am

young again and learn to handle the sword of the Spirit.

I have terrible pain. I seem to bear an aching skull,

not a head. But this is from my other life. Now the

sundial has gone back. It has reversed itself only for me.

A whole generation of Christian fighters can arise.

Those who have neglected their duty or have fulfilled it

wrongly can make things right as of forty, fifty, or sixty

years ago.

David was a man in whom God was pleased. But

listen to his last words before he died. They were about

Shimei, a man who had cursed God's anointed. David

said to Solomon, "His hoar head bring thou down to the

grave with blood. So David slept with his fathers" (1

Kings 2:9, 10). From the beginning of the Christian life

to its last breath, the enemies of God have to be

destroyed. Every man meeting you is given the dramatic

alternative: either he will be saved or he will perish - if

not by your hand, then through the faithful word which

you told him and which he did not receive.

I had so many quarrels in my other life, even with

brethren. I pace thorugh my cell humming in Hebrew

from memory the Psalms of Degrees. Now "I am for

peace" (Psalm 120:7), "My soul is even as a weaned

child" (Psalm 131:2).

In a democracy you must win the majority of people

111

Alone With God

or of a congregation to see your will fulfilled. Not so with

God. It is enough that two should agree on earth as

touching anything, and it shall be done for them by the

Heavenly Father (Matt. 18:19).

But if couples disagree about contrary matters, don't

they have to argue with each other? Now, by hindsight I

can see that it is not necessary. The Father has unlimited

time. He can move the shadow on the sundial forward

and backward as many times as He likes. He also has a

multitude of worlds. All couples will see their will

fulfilled even if they differ.

Last night I dreamt that a monk complained to me

that his superior was wicked, a kind of Torquemada. He

told me this with joy, explaining that his superior,

through making him suffer innocently, had accom-

plished something similar to opening a large bank

account for him. All the cheques he draws are covered

because God looks on the credit side. He has suffered.

In my former life I. had shunned many sufferings. I

had preferred to prevaricate rather than endure pain. A

new opportunity has been given to me. Here you have

my body and soul, all those who wish to hurt me. Do me

a favour. I have a new life before me. It will be one of

suffering, of renunciation.

I am free here of the necessity of being consistent in

my preaching. This need causes preachers to leave great

potentialities unused. No one is all of a piece. The part

that you repress is also valuable and could also praise

God.

In his autobiography, Charles Darwin notes that, as

his interests became increasingly absorbed in science, he

lost the pleasure in poetry and the plays of Shakespeare

which had formerly been a prominent feature of his life.

He might have done better in these than in biology. In

freedom I, too, had given up parts of my interests in life.

112

The Shadow Has Been Brought Backward

Here everything is aflame.

How should I continue this sermon and how should I

end it coming back to its main subject, the sundial? But

why must the end of a sermon correspond to its

beginning? Why must it have a logical conclusion?

I am tired now of preaching. Life will go on even

without a continuation of my sermon. Good night, dear

brethren. Amen.

113

A RELIGION WITHOUT GOD

DEAR BRETHREN AND SISTERS

There are many things we know that we don't know

we know. The Lord said to His disciples, "Whither I go

ye know, and the way ye know," to which Thomas

replied, "Lord, we know not whither thou goest; and

how can we know the way?" (John 14:4, 5). Thomas

knew but did not know that he knew. Jesus said of John

the Baptist that he was Elias, the prophet of old, who

was to come. John, when asked, said that he was not

Elias. This man did not know the essence of his own

being. How could he have known what his being knew?

It is only in the narrow limits of the circumstances in

which I now find myself- alone for years in a solitary cell

without any book or any impression from the outside,

dependent upon my own inner resources to occupy

myself - that I find a large unexplored field existing in

my mind to which I have access.

Without any material to read, without anything

happening to stimulate my mind, I think new and

strange thoughts. I am conscious of knowing more than I

knew before. From whence did I acquire this new

knowledge? It. is not through drawing further con-

clusions from what I knew before, through a process of

reasoning. Who can reason when hungry and beaten?

No, I had known these things for a long time. But one

thing was missing: I had not known that I knew them.

114

A Religion Without God

Plato was right: "To know is to recognise."

Being alone is the prerequisite for plumbing your own

depths. I would be much alone, aloof from you, the most

dearly beloved, even if I were not in prison. Jesus said,

"That the world may know that I love the Father," I

leave the world and go to the Father (John 14:28, 31).

How would the villagers know that the bridegroom

loved the bride if he amused himself with his friends

while she was kept waiting for him? Jesus has to leave all

his friends so that they may know He loves the Father.

Loving Him, He reveals to you His mysteries.

Do not believe the pastors who are constantly busy

around you. Believe those who declare, "Hereafter I will

not talk much with you" (John 14:30), as they

contemplate their own depths. They might very well

discover ultimate truths. You may not be aware of the

fact. Their faces will not shine, because they will veil

them as did Moses. They do not speak of these hidden

experiences.

I am on my way to this contemplative state.

Last night I dreamt that an Orthodox Jew with a

beard and curls asked me, "What is the other world?"

I answered, "It is where one has the answer. This

world is the world of asking questions."

But I am already at the border of the other world. I

begin to have the replies.

We have our first reply in the Bible. But scholars know

that the Bible is like reality as defined by Planck and

Heisenberg in modern physics, a wave of probabilities.

You can never say what and where an elementary

particle is and what it will do. You handle it by working

on probabilities.

As for the Bible, we do not have such a book. There

are countless manuscripts with many variations among

them. The Hebrew language itself is very imprecise. It

115

Alone With God

has no tenses. The same form of the verb can be used as a

curse or only as a declaration that something bad may

happen.

For example, in Psalm 83:15 one and the same word

can be translated as an imprecatory prayer, "Persecute

them with thy tempest," or as a prediction, "Thou wilt

persecute them with thy tempest."

A single Hebrew word sometimes has contrary

meanings. Baruh means "blessed" and "cursed".

Kedoshim means "saints" and "Sodomites". Much is left

to the arbitrary decision of the translator.

There are parallel texts in many parts of the Hebrew:

the Ketub, the writing, and the Keri, the rule of reading,

which might differ greatly from the former. In II Kings

20:4, for example, is the hatser, which means "yard". But

the masoretic rule is to read hair^ which means "the

town". The difference is great. In the first case, the

prophet Isaiah is very near King Hezekiah, in the latter

he is far away. The Ketub plus the Keri form the Hebrew

Bible.

The situation is similar in the Greek. We can translate

the word afes so that the Biblical text reads, "Forgive us

our trespasses," or "Leave us our trespasses," in which

case we would have a prayer to continue in our favourite

sin.

Most of us read the Bible in translation. Every

translation is a treason, even the translation of

sentiments into words, but especially the translation of

Hebrew or Greek words into another language or

another mentality.

For the Nunggubaya in Australia the expression

"Holy Spirit" could not be translated. They have

nothing similar. So the translators have used instead

"the pretty witch doctor in the sky". Consequently, in

their Bible they read that when Jesus was baptised, a

116

A Religion Without God

pretty witch doctor descended upon Him from the sky,

and that those who believe and are baptised will have

this pretty witch doctor on their side, which seems very

curious to us.

But even the English is faulty. The words "Holy

Spirit" are as curious and as inadequate as the words

"pretty witch doctor," because "holy" comes from a

word meaning "whole" and "spirit" comes from the

Latin spirare meaning "to breathe"; therefore, "Holy

Spirit" means to breathe deeply involving the whole

lung.

In Mark 16:16, Jesus said, "He that believeth and is

baptised shall be saved." For the Nunggubaya the

expression "saved" was translated aniladi-in, which

means in their language "to receive a hard job." So

whosoever believes will receive a hard job. The

missionaries wondered why they preached and preached

about being saved and had no converts!

Even in the original, the answers of the Bible are like

the answers of science: every answer raises new

problems.

But I am bound to this world only by a thin umbilical

cord. My thoughts belong to the world of answers. I

have always had them in me. I had not known that I had

known them.

There exists a world in which man has no God,

because the separation has ceased. The Godhead exists.

It created man. And man had a God. But when man

returns to his Source there is union. In this context, you

see that the holiest book in the Bible is Esther, in which

the word "God" never occurs. For the obvious, no

words or names are needed. Here you understand the

Lord's prayer, "Hallowed be thy name." The original

Greek is "Aghiatheto to onoma su" which, literally

translated, means, "May thy name be taken away from

117

Alone With God

the -earth," so that instead of many names we would

have the unnamed reality. (In Greek "a" = "un," "ghea"

= "earth").

The Bible mentions a multitude of holy books

inspired to proclaim the name of God. They have been

lost. We no longer have them. They disappeared to

indicate that there is a higher reality than a mere book:

the ultimate reality about which it can only babble.

In Esther the word "God" is never mentioned. Not

even in Esther 4:3, in which we read that there was

fasting, weeping, wailing, but no prayer to God. His

help was taken for granted. Not many words are needed

in intercourse between the "me" and "me". Jesus

promises conquerors that they will sit with Him on His

throne, just as He has conquered and now sits on His

Father's throne. What God does a being have who sits

on the throne of God from which worlds are created and

ruled?

God's name is blasphemed because of our sins. His

reality is beyond attack. In Him everyone lives and

moves. There is no one to attack Him. The Communists

rebel against His name, against what they fancy Him to

be, against the manner in which we have represented

Him. But there exists no real rebellion against Him. The

Communists are not worse than Satan. Yet Satan

himself could not touch Job without asking humble

permission from God.

There also exists this sphere of the one reality, without

an "I" and a "He". The book of Esther is its best

expression.

I know only that this last reality is terribly,

unbearably harsh. I know it, therefore I cannot live with

it.

I prefer the first day of faith, when I knew that God is

the "God of pardons" (Neh. 9:17, in the original). But

118

A Religion Without God

how can one receive forgiveness when he lives on the

knowledge of unity with Godhead?

Having a God, you can reduce your obligations. The

law of Moses prescribed that every Jew should give half

a shekel to the temple annually. We read in the book of

Nehemiah that the Jews were allowed to give only a

third, contrary to the law. They had become poor after

long years of slavery in Babylon. The laws of God are not

implacable. The laws of reality, on the contrary, know

no bargaining. When you fall from a height, you smash

your head and that is that. When the clock runs out, you

die.

So I prefer to turn off the knowledge of what I know

and say like Luther, "I will have nothing to do with an

absolute God. I will not try to study Him as God. I know

tht I cannot look at the sun. I must have a tinted glass to

look through. I must have the person of the God-man to

take away the blinding glory of the invisible God,

invisible because too bright for my eyes to gaze upon. I

must have God in Christ. I will not try to study anything

else."

But perhaps we are unjust towards the book of Esther.

Is the notion of God really absent from it? It is written in

the Talmud, "In every place where you find the imprint

of men's feet, there am I." Mordecai and his cousin

Esther have left deep imprints in history. God is in the

book. Amen.

119

SHOULD I PRAY TO BE FREED?

MY GOD

I know how to say "Our Father" but do not know

what to add. Should I ask you for freedom? If so,

why?

Once a businessman from Boston told Mark Twain,

"I have attained much in life, but one great desire has

remained unfulfilled, that is, to make a pilgrimage to the

Holy Land."

"What will you do there?" asked Twain.

"I would like to ascend Mount Sinai and there read

the Ten Commandments in Hebrew as they were given

by God."

Mark Twain replied, "That's too complicated.

Would it not be much more comfortable to remain in

Boston and fulfil the Ten Commandments?"

It is not necessary to go to holy places in order to be

pleasing to Thee. But neither is it necessary to be at

liberty. Which commandment could I keep better in

freedom than in a prison cell? Why should I move

around? The lily stays in the same place and exhales its

perfume.

What does it count that I am alone? I had this

problem when I was pastor of the church. I had

inherited from my predecessor a church with a small

attendance. In the beginning I was sad about it. But

then I quieted my heart and told the brethren, "Instead

120

Should I Pray To Be Freed?

of worrying about those who are absent, let each of us

multiply his zeal and fervour and love. It is for these that

God looks out. If He finds one man with as much love as

only a hundred men would normally have, He is

satisfied."

In my solitary cell I am undisturbed. I can work on

my character to develop the virtues of thousands.

I will not pray to be freed.

The apostles were afraid during a storm and wanted

to be rescued. Jesus fulfilled their pleasure, and so they

escaped drowning. In exchange they were later

martyred. In this world rescue from temporary troubles

cannot have any other result.

I will not pray for peace of heart. I have some kind of

peace.

Conscience is like a triangle of metal in my heart. If I

am good, it stands still and does not bother me. If I am

bad it begins to circle and the angles hurt. If I am very

bad, the angles lose their sharpness through much

circling, and again I am not bothered. At this moment I

am not troubled. What peace I have I cannot judge for

myself. Neither do I have anyone with whom I can

consult.

But either way I know that I am loved, because I

suffer, and it is written, "He that has suffered in the flesh

has ceased from sin" (1 Peter 4:1).

In his book about the Virgin Mary's song, Luther tells

of a vision. Three virgins knelt before an altar. During

the service a beautiful young man appeared and hugged

the first girl and kissed her. He did not kiss the second,

but smiled at her with great friendliness. As for the third,

he hit her and pulled her hair. With this the young man

disappeared.

Later the vision was explained. The first virgin

symbolises the selfish, unregenerate souls. God must do

121

Alone With God

much good to them. He must fulfil their will towards

them, not His own. They cannot live without receiving

many blessings from God.

The second virgin represents those who have started

to serve God but still need, at least from time to time, a

friendly gesture from Him. They cannot simply love

Him without expecting anything in return. They

cannot simply love Him, whatever He does and

however He behaves.

The third virgin, the Cinderella, represents the

saintly soul who loves God without any ulterior motive.

She simply loves. She is happy if He does good to others.

Mary would have sung the same beautiful Magnificat if

she had been told that another girl, yes, one who

despised her, had been chosen by God to be the mother

of the Lord. Such do not need the caresses of the Lord.

They are happy to bear their cross for Him and pass

through a dark night of the soul. If He wishes to

abandon them while they undergo suffering, they do not

complain. Everything is right only if it is His good

pleasure. For these souls God multiplies the chastisings.

"Whom the Lord loves he chastises, and scourges every

son whom he receives" (Heb. 12:6).

A great Master like You would not scourge someone

personally. Therefore, the Communists might be Your

tools for this purpose. If one were to judge by the

number of beatings I have received, I must be very

much beloved.

That would be good, but if I knew it and took undue

satisfaction in it, I would not be like the third virgin. In

the end, atheists also pass through suffering. The whole

matter is too complicated for my poor reason.

The simplest thing is just to leave it and remain in

peace, not trying to distinguish with my blurred mind if

it is the right kind of peace or not.

122

Should I Pray To Be Freed?

I will sit still in this my hidden cell and look to You,

the hidden God, without bothering You with any

request.

I have given up the popularisation of religion as

contained in the creed, which speaks about God only as

a creator. You are also the preserver and the destroyer.

If it is not You who destroys, who does? You are not

simply the Creator who left creation to develop as it

would; You are the Creator of all things, including the

angel called the Destroyer (Ex. 12:23). You also created

the microbes that kill. You are described as destroyer in

Lamentations 2. You continually destroy lives that You

have created. "The Lord kills and makes alive. He

brings down to the grave, and brings up" (1 Sam. 2:6).

Both these activities bring You honour. I love You

whatever You choose to do.

In Maramuresh there is a place called "the

humorous cemetery", which expresses even today

what the Dacians of history (the ancestors of Romanians)

believed about death. They dressed in white and

rejoiced when someone died. On every cross in this

cemetery is carved some joyful scene from the life of the

buried man. They knew that You destroyed this life in

order to create another one.

I owe you the happiness which I had in my family and

church. From Your hand I also receive the destruction

of this happiness, which was necessary in order to

replace it with the happiness of sitting in a subterranean

cell, completely free of everything that disturbs, and of

looking to the hidden God; the happiness of having

passed from the holy place of the temple to the most holy

place.

When Gehazi asked the Shunammite woman after

her son had died, "Is it well with the child?" she

answered, "It is well" (II Kings 4:26). She would have

123

Alone With God

said the same words on the day of the child's birth.

If I get tired looking at You and my mind is

distraught, it does not matter. You never slumber nor

sleep. You look at me.

When my son was small he asked me, "Father, what

should I do? I am bored."

I told him, "Think about God."

His reply was, "Why should I think about Him with

this little head of mine? Let Him think about me with

His big head."

The apparatus at the great observatory of Mount

Palomar is so sensitive that the heartbeat of the

astronomer disturbs it. The simplest thing is to efface

oneself completely, not to be bothered about what

happens. I think it is never reality which bothers us; we

are bothering reality. I will stop doing so. I have You as

Father in Heaven. I lovingly called You "Father". This

is all. No other prayer is needed, and no request.

I will not ask to be freed. Amen.

124

MANKIND IS INNOCENT

GOD

Mankind is innocent, if looked upon from a certain

perspective. An X-ray of a pretty girl's cranium doesn't

look any better than that of a gorilla.

The Bible is full of good news, including Paul's

declaration, "All have sinned and come short of the

glory of God" (Rom. 3:23).

If this is true, then before I ever sinned I was a man

much sinned against. "There is none righteous, no, not

one" (v. 10). Thousands of ancestors have transmitted

their heredity to me through the genes, programming

almost all of my future characteristics. And not one of

these ancestors was righteous. Then all my heredity

must be terribly bad. I have been educated by

grandparents, parents, teachers. Of what quality were

they? The same apostle says, "There is none that does

good, no, not one" (v. 12). I did not have one to give me

the right instruction.

"Behold, I was shapen in iniquity," says the Psalmist

(51:5). Since when does any reasonable person hold it

against a statue for being ugly? Only the sculptor is

responsible. "All have sinned." Absolutely every man

with whom I have come in contact since early childhood

has sinned against me. I was buffeted to and fro long

before I said or did the first wrong thing. So, God, looks

upon me not so much as a sinner but as a man sinned

125

Alone With God

against, who, under continual provocation and sur-

rounded only by bad examples, commits some iniquitous

deed. Even a human court acquits in such a case.

I used to ask people who confessed some sin, "Tell me

something about your parents and grandparents."

Often enough it was to give them some relief. One had

quarrelled. His parents had been choleric, quarrelsome.

A preacher had fallen repeatedly into adultery and

justified it on the basis that Abraham, too, had been a

polygamist. He had not realised the connection between

this and the fact that his father had been jailed for a

sexual crime. It helped one who fought against the

impulse of gambling to know that his father had been a

compulsive gambler.

It is worthwhile trying to learn the beginnings of a

man's sin. There is always some seducer, some bad book,

some tendentious movie. A mountain of sin has fallen

upon us and crushed us morally before we ever sin.

"All have sinned" - this is the comforting news that

You give us. It is not that I alone happen to be a wicked

evil-doer or that I alone, though living in a pure

paradise and surrounded only by angels and saints, have

started to sin out of pleasure or perversity.

Nor is it only the influence of other men that has made

me sin. I belong to nature, a nature that is not morally

neutral. "The creature was made subject to vanity"

(Rom. 8:20). It is in the "bondage of corruption" (v. 21 ).

There is something in my body, in my very nerves, that

compels me to sin.

I will remind You of an extreme case.

Robert Ledrue, who had been in his youth one of the

foremost detectives of France, was given the assignment

to investigate a murder that occurred in Le Havre. A

man who bathed in the sea at night was shot when he

came out of the water. Nobody knew the motive for the

126

Mankind Is Innocent

murder. But the murderer had left prints in the sand and

a bullet in the victim.

Ledrue investigated, went to the head of the police,

and asked to be arrested. He had found out that he

himself had been the murderer. It was a unique case. The

bullet had been shot from a special kind of revolver

possessed by only four men. He was one of them. The

imprints in the sand showed that the murderer lacked

the big toe on the right foot. Ledrue's had been

amputated. The detective was sure that he was the

murderer but did not remember having killed anyone

and knew no motive for doing so.

He asked to be kept permanently under surveillance

by police. They discovered that he was a somnambulist.

Later he shot at another person while wandering around

at night, completely unconscious of what he was doing.

Fortunately, the police had filled his revolver with

harmless bullets. After shooting, he returned quietly to

his home and went to bed, with no idea of what he had

done.

For murder while in a state of somnambulism, Ledrue

was sentenced to lifelong isolation on a solitary farm

under police surveillance.

What is our state when we commit crimes? Jesus said

of His executioners, "They know not what they do." St.

Peter said, "Ye killed the Prince of life... I know that

through ignorance ye did it, as did also your rulers" (Acts

3:15, 17).

How much is a man responsible for what he does? St.

Paul wrote, "The evil which I would not, that I do. Now

if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin

that dwells in me" (Rom. 7:19, 20). In this passage sin

appears as a foreign intruder against whom I am

helpless, just as I am helpless against a massive attack of

tuberculosis microbes. It is not something I have courted

127

Alone With God

deliberately with my reason and will.

Benjamin was found with a stolen cup in his sack, put

there not by himself but by Joseph's servants (Gen.

44:2). So what appears as my sin, the stolen cup in my

character, is the result of innumerable actions of men,

all sinners, who shaped my life, all abetted by what has

become disorderly in nature. The apostle continues: "I

find then a law [who has established it?], that, when I

would do good, evil is present with me... I see another

law in my members, warring against the law of my

mind" (Rom. 7: 21, 23).

Sin and guilt are not the same things. I can commit a

sin without being guilty of it, as for example under

extreme coercion, inner irresistible impulse, complete

ignorance, etc. You have told us, "There is nothing

covered that shall not be revealed" (Luke 12:2). This is a

fact of everyday experience. In our dreams when rightly

analysed, in daydreams, in slips of the tongue and under

hypnosis, hidden things become manifest. They will also

become manifest in the other world. All the ugly deeds

will be known there. But we don't have to be afraid.

There they will be known by beings who are no longer as

we are now. Everybody will be full of understanding,

insight, compassion, and power to repair wrongs.

Sometimes a child weeps over a catastrophe that has

happened to him. Father observes. However, to him it is

not a catastrophe, and so he makes the broken toy work

again.

Jesus referred to sinners as sick men who need a

physician instead of a judge. He heals sin with a

medicine, His own blood shed for us.

I was in the same cell with a man sentenced to death

for numerous sadistic murders. He confessed to me and

answered my questions. His father had been an

alcoholic. The only remembrance he had of him was

128

Mankind Is Innocent

that he came home drunk, beat him and his mother,

stole all the money that his mother had earned by

sewing, and left home to drink again. When the child

was hungry, his mother would beat him for crying.

At the age of fourteen, attracted by the uniform and

by songs that seemed to make sense, he joined a Fascist

anti-Semitic organisation. For this, the royal govern-

ment put him in prison. Since there were no separate

juvenile facilities, he mingled with all sorts of criminals,

who thenceforth were his educators. Though the royal

regime was later overturned, the Communists never

forgave anyone. And so for the crime of being a Fascist

at the age of fourteen, he was imprisoned again and

beaten. Then he was offered the chance of being freed if

he would torture other prisoners to death. He accepted

the offer. It was his only chance for survival. After he

had served as henchman for a long time, the same

Communist masters sentenced him to death.

If you were to ask me today, "What is the sum of your

experience with mankind?" my immediate reply would

be, "Father, they are not guilty; they don't know what

they do." I would include my torturers in this

appreciation. We are meant to be the defenders of men,

not their accusers. We even have to defend desperate

cases. To accuse is the devil's business.

Every fibre of my heart believes in strict determinism.

Omar Khayyam wrote:

'Tis all a chequer board of nights and days

Where destiny with men for pieces plays,

Hither and thither moves and mates and slays,

And one by one back in the closet lays.

Luther once said that whoever erased the words "free

will" from the human dictionary would render the

129

Alone With God

greatest service to mankind. Everything has been

predestined, even Lucifer's and Adam's falls. God had

willed that it should be so. Judas was a traitor because

God had designated him as such. Spinoza, one of the

profoundest souls which the Jewish people has ever

produced, was also the first to apply to all human

thought and sentiment and action the determinist

constraint. Einstein believed like him. As for the Bible, it

is clear "God works in you both the will and the

fulfilling" (Phil. 2:13).

Among those things I am determined to do is to make

decisions of my own free will. I am determined to have a

sentiment of responsibility. I am determined to feel the

dread of the judgment, even though I don't believe we

are free to do otherwise than we do. I can see constraint

in every sin, and I cannot do otherwise than defend the

sinner. May someone else defend me if I am mistaken.

Your thoughts are not like mine. When I speak, I have

to express my thoughts. My plea with you is that man,

while surely responsible for all he does, is not responsible

for being responsible. Therefore, I plead, "Acquit!"

Amen.

130

THE ENCOUNTER WITH LUCIFER

DEAR BRETHREN AND SISTERS

To know God is not enough. We must know the

enemy, too.

Even Jesus did not avoid a face-to-face discussion

with the devil. If we don't bring to the bar of reason the

temptations of Satan, they will enter the depths of the

subconscious, where the great decisions are made, and

ravage the soul.

I would not recommend this to everyone, but I have

studied the tenets of the Satanist sects. One must have

special grace to tackle this subject and not be overcome.

Satan's words seemed good and were convincing to Eve,

though she lived in God's paradise. How much more do

they lure us, her fallen progeny. Our sinful nature

responds all too readily to the great claims of Satan and

his followers. They can be studied only with a constant

struggle to resist their baleful influence on one's

character.

I remember the chill that went down my spine when I

read the secret formula disclosed only to initiates during

the introduction to the third degree: "Let my will

happen in all things." The formula was not new to me.

It tapped into the huge drive for self-assertion which we

all have in us. It is just the contrary of the teaching of our

Lord: "Whosoever will come after me, let him deny

himself (Mark 8:34).

131

Alone With God

Human nature says "no" to this command of Jesus.

But if the grace of God comes and you are inclined to

fulfil it, be aware that Satan can disguise himself and

make of conversion to Christ an initiation into the

Satanic rite. If you were to express in clear words what

happens in such a case, it would be as follows: "I must be

a man with a very strong T to be able to decide even the

rejection of the 'I', the only great treasure I possess. So

let my will happen in religion, too. My will is to deny

myself."

Afterwards you can go to great lengths of self-denial.

You can go even as far as giving away all your

possessions and being burned at the stake for your ideals.

It is the "I" that will have chosen poverty or

martyrdom. Without knowing it, you will have been

faithful to the formula of initiation: "Let my will happen

in all things - even in matters regarding my relationship

with Christ."

"Deny yourself is one of the many laws of Scripture.

They have not been given to be fulfilled. As a man born

in sin, you cannot fulfil them. You can only take

cognisance of them, seeing in them, as in a mirror, how

far away you are from what is beautiful and right. You

then acknowledge your sinfulness, at which point Christ

can work in you. He changes you from glory to glory. But

every human work you engage in by yourself, even a

very holy one, is extremely dangerous.

Every day I have to decide whether to yield to torture

or not, whether to deny Christ or not. It might be not a

consecrated attitude but a devilish one to say, "Let my

will be done, and my will is that I should be a hero of the

faith."

The Lord wants some to be such heroes but he also

allowed Peter to pass through moments of cowardice

and then return with repentance, thus giving an

132

The Encounter With Lucifer

example throughout the centuries to Christians who

might fall in times of persecution that they can rise

again.

I decide nothing about what I will do tomorrow at the

interrogation.

A rabbi once stood at the window of his study and

called to the first Jew who went by. He asked him,

"Suppose you find a wallet containing much money but

also the card of the man who lost it - what would you

do?"

The Jew answered, "You know, rabbi, that I have

many children and am very poor. I would consider it as

a gift from God. I would throw away the card and keep

the money."

The rabbi said, "You are a thief. Sit there."

He then called a second Jew and put to him the same

question. The reply was, "I would return the money

immediately to its legitimate owner."

The rabbi said, "You are stupid. Sit near that other

man."

He called a third Jew: "What would you do in such a

case?"

The reply was, "I don't know. Everything depends

upon the grace I will have from God at that moment."

The rabbi embraced him. "This is the right answer."

The devil is often with me in my cell. His first proposal

was that I should decide to deny and be freed. When I

refused, he appeared again in the guise of an angel of

light: "Decide to die rather than yield to the

Communists. Stick to this holy decision. May it happen

as you decide." It was necessary to refuse this second

subtle injunction too. Jesus had said in Gethsemane,

"Not my will, but thine be done."

In the eighth degree of one of these occult initiations,

you have to accept as a rule of life the sentences, "Believe

133

Alone With God

nothing and dare everything," or its variation,

"Nothing is true; everything is permitted."

When Marx was asked what maxim he preferred, he

replied, "Doubt everything." I know it is not easy to

believe something. Every religious, political or moral

attitude has arguments for and against. I have spent

long hours over the books of Zen, the Upanishads,

Buddha, Zoroaster, the Talmud, the Kabala, the

Koran, as well as atheist philosophers. There are so

many interesting thoughts and persuasive proofs

scattered throughout all of them. The sinner must

choose with a limited, biased, unreliable mind that is

only partially informed. But if a lost sinner has perforce

a mind*which cannot think rightly, he also cannot then

believe that we are all lost sinners who cannot choose as

we should.

If everything is only relatively true, the assertion

about relativity is also only relatively true. There must

be in relativity somewhere a kernel of the absolute. Life

obliges you to dare, though what you do can produce

enormous harm or good to someone else. I know a man

who had taken in an orphan and given him a warm

home. When this orphan grew up and married, he

adopted another orphan child who was happy in new

surroundings. So it is also with evil deeds. They

reproduce endlessly.

In order to dare, I must have a standard of what is

right and true.

Many religions offer ways of life. Jesus is not one of the

ways. He says, "I am the way." The definite article is one

of mankind's greatest devices. I am sorry for nations like

China and Denmark that lack it.

Well, devil, you ask me to believe nothing. So I will

turn this weapon against you and I will not believe that

nothing should be believed. You say, "Nothing is true."

134

The Encounter With Lucifer

So the assertion that "nothing is true" is not true. You

wish me to believe that "everything is permitted". All

right, I will believe that it is also permitted not to believe

that all things are permitted.

There were plenty of reasonable arguments for

Romeo not to give his life for Juliet. Verona had many

beautiful girls. He himself had been enamoured first of

Rosaline. But a lover does not make his love the subject

of arguments and counter-arguments. I hate your logic,

devil. I love Jesus. I love His will. Let it be accomplished

in my life. I love His laws and am always sorry whenever

I break them because of my human weakness.

With me you have lost. The discussion with you has

become boring. Goodbye. I prefer to go to sleep.

135

NON-PERSON

DEAR BRETHREN AND SISTERS

On the first day of my arrest I had been told, "You are

no more Richard Wurmbrand, but Vasile Georgescu.

You are never allowed to mention to anyone your

former name." I had been kidnapped from the street,

and the simple fact that I still exist somewhere is a state

secret. A warden might disclose it if he knew the name.

Today I protested against the mistreatment, saying,

"Even if I don't belong to you, I am still a person, a man,

and have the right to be respected."

They answered in a laugh: "What conceit! You are

no longer a person. You simply are not. One thing exists:

the proletarian state. Men belong to it. They are each a

little wheel or a screw in its complex machinery.

Whoever does not support the state simply is not. We

don't even shoot him. There is nobody to shoot. We

allow nothingness to rot away in a cell."

"I am not." "I am a nothing." Some philosophers say

that the nothing exists somehow. If it does not exist,

whose existence are we denying?

I remember the famous resume of Buddha's doctrine

from Vissudhimagga:

There exists only the suffering, not the sufferer.

There exists action, not its author.

The nirvana exists, but not the one who pursues it.

136

JVon-Person

There is the way, but not the traveller.

I have had the shock of being told that I am a non-

person. Now the non-person, no longer able even to wish

to be a person, resigns itself to its new phase of existence.

There is no more a man of sorrows in the cell; only the

old, old sorrow is here, impersonal. My cell is old. Many

generations of prisoners have experienced its sorrow

before me, and many more will consider it their own

after me. But suffering grants no one a monopoly. It

wishes to be shared by everyone. Who has escaped its

embrace?

Murder has existed since the time of Gain, but most

murderers are unchronicled. Adultery has thrived down

through the ages, but the Gospel does not even give the

name of the woman caught in the act. What difference

does her identity make? Lying affected the human

situation in Paradise, before the Fall. Whoever utters a

lie only adds his poison to the well.

Heaven also exists. If you pursue it, you do not have it.

There should be no "you" and no "I". If these

disappear, the pursuit ceases and heaven is within. It has

always been there. The barrier has been "you" and the

condition put by the "you", that your highest desires

must be fulfilled. Heaven is the fulfilling of One's

desires, the unique God. It might be His desire - it might

be my heaven - that I lead the most annoying life in a

solitary cell.

A heaven in which I do not rejoice? The Bible has told

me to deny myself. I have neglected to do so. Now the

Communists tell me that I have become a non-person.

So who is the "I" that has the claim of rejoicing in

heaven? Heaven is a place without distinction between

the subject that enjoys, the object enjoyed, and the

sentiment of joy. It simply exists. You are seated in

137

Alone With God

"heavenly places" without striving for something

beyond. For the first time a place where you really sit

without any remorse for not doing something, without

any need to move or fill your time with something else. It

is rest, perfect rest.

When I was declared a non-person this morning, I

told the captain, "Christ will be the victor through the

patience that He gave us. A man with patience can do

everything."

He laughed, "Can patience help you carry water in a

sieve?"

I was disconcerted for a fraction of a second. Then I

answered quietly, "For a certainty, if only you wait

patiently for the water to freeze."

There is hope that they will make even living water

freeze. It is terribly cold in the cell, though outside it

must be the beginning of spring already. How I would

like to be in the country and pick flowers, wild ones,

hawthorns and violets and forget-me-nots. It is written,

"Every one that loves is born of God" (1 John 4:7). But

does anyone love if he does not include flowers in his

love? Is it enough to love men?

I remember reading about an American black

revolutionary, John Brown, who fought against slavery.

His whole mature life was spent on riots. When he was

led to the gallows in a cart, he said to the soldiers

surrounding him, "How beautiful is this land." He had

had no eyes for trees and flowers before. If I were free

now, I would leave men alone and walk among

foxgloves and daisies and dedicate myself to the good

deed of loving flowers.

Flowers exist for us en masse. We don't attribute

personality to them. Except for the florist when he sells

them, we don't even give them a number. They don't

worry about being non-persons. But they are loved by

138

Non-Person

Jesus. He compares Himself to them: "I am the rose of

Sharon, and the lily of the valleys" (Song of Solomon

2:1).

If you wish to pluck them, they don't flee. If you

trample them under your feet, they reward you by

giving you their perfume. Jesus teaches us to learn from

flowers. If I had been like one of them, I would not have

cared about being appreciated..

I remember Feinstein, the man who played a big role

in bringing me to Christ and who died a martyr's death

under the Nazis. I asked him once, "What is the pride of

life mentioned in 1 John 2:16?"

He replied, "Stop asking silly questions, you idiot."

I shouted, "How do you dare to speak to me like

that?"

His answer: "Now you know what is the pride of life."

I believe that it is still a remnant of the pride of life

that made me resent so vividly the words which I was

told today - that I am a non-person.

I will accept my new status. Amen.

139

DOES GOD AVENGE HIMSELF?

DEAR BRETHREN AND SISTERS

We Christians speak to our torturers about love. They

speak only about hatred and revenge.

You can never understand any Communist if you

don't see his wickedness as the result of intense suffering.

No one becomes a trouble-maker unless he is greatly

troubled himself. He takes revenge ultimately against

being. He is without the desire for life itself. An absurd

existence has been imposed upon him. He believes that a

man is nothing more nor less than a random

agglomeration of molecules. Among these molecules are

those that constitute nerves, which sometimes produce

feelings of joy (always transitory) and at other times

transmit pain.

Communists cannot account for the fact that they

have to endure suffering nor that eventually they will

be eaten by worms. Therefore, they must make haste

to enjoy life, power, and material advantages. In

opposition to their presumed felicity are other agglomer-

ations of molecules called class-enemies, which must be

destroyed. Marx's favourite verse was, "There is no

greater joy than to bite your enemy."

Our torturers see us as obstacles to their squeezing out

of a senseless life the maximum of pleasant moments.

Their conscience is not bothered by the fact that they

beat human beings. When we ask why, they answer:

140

Does God Avenge Himself?

"Did you have any remorse when you hammered a nail

into the wall or when you cut wood? We all handle

matter at pleasure. Man too is only matter. You can't

make an omelette without breaking eggshells. You can't

cut wood without producing chips. You cannot make

revolution without handling the class-enemy roughly.

We know no forgiveness. We take revenge on our

enemies."

Revenge sometimes arises from great depths. Marx

once wrote to Engels, "If Titus had not destroyed my

fatherland 1800 years ago, I would not be an enemy of

all fatherlands."

When I am left alone in my cell, Bible verses come to

my mind, but now they are different. A voice whispers,

"Don't mind your sufferings. They don't pass un-

noticed. The Lord will take revenge."

Again revenge? I cannot suffer the word any more.

Should You, the Good, stoop to the same level as the

Communists? Should heaven be reduced to the state of

mind of a Communist torturer? I cannot believe these

words about revenge, even if a St. Paul states them.

Should You, like Hitler, have burning ovens with

unquenchable flames - no, even worse than Hitler,

because his flames consumed the victims in a moment,

whereas yours burn but never consume? Forgive us, but

those in hell cannot accept the justice of hell. It is

acceptable only to the man who sits in church after a

good breakfast.

It might be that hell causes joy among saints. Saints

are men, and nothing evil in men surprises me any more.

But You are goodness personified. You can know

happiness only through loving everybody, providing

salvation, understanding, forgiving. If there is a hell,

surely You must have the desire to quench its fire.

There certainly is a hell. You discharged in Yourself

141

Alone With God

the lightning of wrath when, torn by grief, You bruised

Your Son and burdened Him with all the evil ever

committed.

Yes, vengeance is Yours. As the sea absorbs the

mighty rivers, You absorbed our rivers of wickedness

and expiated them Yourself. This revenge is terrible.

Because the death of Jesus on the cross burns the elect.

This is the burning bush which is never consumed. It

finishes with sin.

We know You to be love. You are our Father; Your

Son, our Brother. Those who were once cold now burn

with an eternal fire. It is the fire of love which has lit

them.

I would believe You to be a God of love even if it were

not reality. You are as I will You to be, not as You are.

Love covers sin, and if I knew that You were vengeful, I

would hide this fact from men. But no, You are

forgiveness.

How torn I am. I began by not believing what St.

Paul writes. Now I don't believe what I preach. The

Word of God cannot be contradicted. It speaks clearly

about an eternal hell. What kind of heaven would it be

with Hitler and Stalin in it, with all the robbers and

seducers and liars who have remained unregenerate to

the end? One serpent in the Garden - and mankind lost

Paradise. How will heaven remain unsullied if men who

are not born again invade its precincts?

The idea that men will be tormented forever is

unbearable to me. But are the unrepentant sinners men?

I have no remorse about killing tuberculosis microbes. I

am happy that DDT wiped out vermin. A sinner, yes,

even a criminal, has something human in him until the

last moment of his death, after which he ceases to be

human. His wickedness alone remains, self-conscious

utter wickedness. We cannot imagine this, but the whole

142

Does God Avenge Himself?

of reality is unimaginable. The atom is unimaginable. It

is not in vain that God told us not to make ourselves

images of things. God considered it proper that strange

beings like this, for whom we will feel no affinity at all,

should burn eternally.

And then, hell might not be as unbearable and

terrible as we think. St. Paul said, "I could wish that

myself were accursed from Christ for my brethren"

(Rom. 9:3). This means that perfect saints can renounce

heaven. In Buddhism, the perfect, the Boddhisatvas,

refuse to enter Nirvana before drawing all men with

them. Likewise saints who have experienced the rich

love of God can bear hell. Saints around me bear the hell

of Communist prison. Some of them bear it joyfully. I

think that hell accepted with love ceases to be hell. St.

Paul would not have feared to be accursed. He would

have taken the doom with passionate love in order that

it might profit others.

Christ Himself was damned and abandoned more

than all the saints. So for the children of God there can

be a heaven in hell. The terribleness of hell is only for the

others. God gives everyone His fit place - water for fish,

air for birds, jail for criminals. Hell is the fit place for

unrepentant sinners.

We will never be able to accept it until all our fixed

ideas about God and eternal things are broken up and

discarded, even the notion that God is good, a notion

that is false if God's goodness is separated from His many

other attributes that qualify it, as, for example, His

righteousness. "The kingdom of Heaven is like unto

treasure hid in a field" (Matt. 13:44). "Your life is hid

with Christ in God" (Col. 3:3).

There exists the unintelligible in Godhead. We must

believe His Word even if it contradicts our notions of

what we consider right for God to do. The virgin Mary

143

Alone With God

was told that her Son would be given the throne of His

father David, and this she doubtless accepted at face

value. Instead, He was mocked and He descended into

hell. St. Augustine, contrary to the prayerful expect-

ations of his mother Monica, descended deeper and

deeper into sin before God not only answered her

prayers for his conversion but made of him a great

Christian teacher.

We cannot understand God's ways. We must believe

in His revelation. I cannot understand hell. I would send

nobody to an eternal hell. But happily God is not like

me. If He were, He would not give me paradise. I have

to sacrifice the intellect. I believe in eternal hell. I

believe that God avenges Himself. "To me belongeth

vengeance, and recompence", "Vengeance is mine; I

will repay, saith the Lord" (Deut. 32:35; Rom. 12:19).

May God keep me from being the object of His

revenge. Amen.

144

MY UNFINISHED REQUIEM

DEAR BRETHREN AND SISTERS

As usual,* I start my night-vigil by singing softly

Mozart's Requiem:

On that great, that awful day,

This vain world shall pass away.

Thus the sibyl sang of old,

Thus has holy David told;

There shall be a deadly fear

When the Avenger shall appear,

And unveiled before His eye,

All the works of men shall lie.

Hark! to the great trumpet's tones

Pealing o'er the place of bones;

Hark! it waketh from their bed

All the nations of the dead,

In a countless throng to meet

At the eternal judgment seat.

Nature sickens with dismay;

Death may not retain his prey,

And before the Maker stand

All the creatures of His hand.

The great book shall be unfurled,

Whereby God shall judge the world:

What was distant, shall be near,

What was hidden, shall be clear.

145

Alone With God

To what shelter shall I fly?

To what guardian shall I cry?

O, in that destroying hour,

Source of goodness, source of power,

Show Thou, of Thine own free grace,

Help unto a helpless race!

Tho' I plead not at Thy throne, ,

Aught that I for Thee have done,

Do not Thou unmindful be,

Of what Thou hast borne for me;

Of the wandering, of the scorn,

Of the scourge, and of the thorn.

Jesus, hast Thou borne the pain,

And hath all been borne in vain?

Shall Thy vengeance smite the head

For whose ransom Thou hast bled?

Thou, whose dying blessing gave

Glory to a guilty slave:

Thou, who from the crew unclean

Did'st release the Magdalene:

Shall not mercy, vast and free,

Evermore be found in Thee?

Father, turn on me Thine eyes,

See my blushes, hear my cries;

Faint tho' be the cries I make,

Save me, for Thy mercy's sake,

From the worm, and from the fire,

From the torments of Thine ire.

Fold me with the sheep that stand

Pure and safe at Thy right hand.

Hear Thy guilty child implore Thee,

Rolling in the dust before Thee.

O, the horrors of that day!

When this frame, of sinful clay,

Starting from its burial place,

146

My Unfinished Requiem

Must behold Thee face to face.

Hear and pity, hear and aid,

Spare the creatures Thou hast made.

Mercy, mercy, save, forgive:

O who shall look on Thee and live?

(English translation by Thomas Macaulay; in

Seed Thoughts for Public Speakers)

Though the Requiem had been commissioned, Mozart

composed it for himself. During that time he was

already very sick, as I am now.

I could say about myself what Mozart wrote when he

created this music:

In my soul I have chaos. I can gather my thoughts

only with difficulty. I see unceasingly the face of one

unknown. He insists. He asks me to work. I continue

to do so, because to compose music wearies me less

than inactivity. I feel my hour has come. I must die.

The end comes before I can show fully my talent.

How beautiful is life! But I must finish my burial-

song. I would not do right to leave it unfinished.

I also try to put into these sermons declaimed in a

solitary cell my deepest, perhaps my ultimate, dying

thoughts. Such thoughts I could not propound from the

pulpit, because there one has to preach according to

dogma and the taste of the audience, with the goal of

attracting new souls into the church. Here I have

absolutely no aim, no purpose. I preach only because it

is in my character to do so, as it is in the nature of

nightingales to sing.

Mozart did not finish his Requiem. I might die or,

perhaps, be freed before finishing my task. The worst, I

think, would be to regain freedom and resume

147

Alone With God

preaching conventional sermons.

While lying on his deathbed, Mozart could ask his

friend Sussmeyer to finish the Requiem. Sussmeyer was

able to transcribe some of the tunes from the lips of the

dying man. I am absolutely alone. I can convey to no

one my thoughts. Jesus left this world without having

delivered all His message. On the last evening spent

with His closest friends, He said, "I have yet many

things to say unto you, but ye cannot bear them now"

(John 16:12).

While Mozart lay on his deathbed, he was afforded

the consolation of having his unfinished Requiem

completed by a couple of friends. I will probably never

see anyone feeding on these my sermons. At his burial,

the burial of a beggar, there was no organ music, no

ceremony, no money even for a grave-marker, much less

a tombstone. Unmarked, too, are the graves of

prisoners.

There were rumours that Mozart had been poisoned.

He himself suspected it. But in his Requiem there is no

complaint. He thinks only about his own sins and the

judgment that lies before him, to which he will answer.

There are probably drugs in my food. I become weaker

and weaker. But I will not think badly about my

enemies. I will not think about them at all.

In the Philippines, people have been found still living

in the stone age. It pleases me that they have no words

for "enemy" and "war". They can't be taught to love

their foes. They have none.

I will sing my requiem while lying on planks that

might later be used for my coffin. My soul is far from my

body. There is no doubt that the soul lives after death. I

am the proof. My body has long since been dead. But I

live.

Rather, it is not the "I" which lives, but a huge regret

148

My Unfinished Requiem

for what I have been, with tears running from the eyes of

a corpse. The Orthodox believe in some weeping icons

of the Virgin. Others say that it is a priestly trick, with

some tubes and a pump hidden behind the icon. But

why should wood not weep when a corpse can?

Oscar Wilde had been in my state when he composed

"The Ballad of Reading Gaol". I begin my requiem

with music to the words of his first stanzas:

Yet each man kills the thing he loves,

By each let this be heard,

Some do it with a bitter look,

Some with a flattering word,

The coward does it with a kiss,

The brave man with a sword!

Some kill their love when they are young,

And some when they are old;

Some strangle with the hands of Lust,

Some with the hands of Gold:

The kindest use a knife, because

The dead so soon grow cold.

Some love too little, some too long,

Some sell, and others buy;

Some do the deed with many tears,

And some without a sigh:

For each man kills the thing he loves,

Yet each man does not die.

I also love men. Since my youth I have loved on sight

every man I ever met. But I loved with a deadly love,

because all my beloved have died or at least suffered

much because of me. I don't believe like Wilde that each

man kills the thing he loves. But I have. My one joy now

is to have the world isolated from me so that I can no

149

Alone With God

longer harm anyone.

Am Inow being punished by God for my sins? The

answer to this question is contained in the Persian poem

Rabbia, which I remember. Set to melody, it is the

second theme of my requiem:

Rabbia, sick and abed,

Was visited by two saints:

Thé pious Malik, the sage Hassan,

Men venerated in Islam.

One said, "You'll be able to bear

The chastising God sends you

If your prayer is pure." The other,

Profounder, gave his opinion:

"If it is accepted with love,

You rejoice about the punishment."

Rabbia discerned traces

Of egotism in these maxims.

"Good men," he replied,'

"When one sees the face of the Master

In his prayer, he cannot

Remember that he is punished."

Before the Lord I simply am what I am, without any

why. Why was I born? Why was I born a sinner? Why

did I suffer? Why did I produce suffering? Why do I die?

Why have I the gift of composing a kind of requiem?

What is the good of composing it while alone in a prison

cell? My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?

Whys are futile. There is never any answer.

I am not being punished. Neither am I a martyr. How

can I know what counts more in the depths of my heart:

fanatical devotion to the anti-Communist fight or love

for Christ? And even if it were martyrdom, what would

be its value if it is based on a love which kills - a

150

My Unfinished Requiem

sentiment unworthy the name of love? Calvin said that

where this love is wanting, "the beauty of all virtue is

mere tinsel, is empty sound, is not worth a straw, nay

more, is offensive and disgusting." Martyrdom minus

genuine love equals zero.

Punished criminal or martyr, my last song is about

Jesus, except that in my requiem, unlike Mozart's, it is

not a song of fear and trembling. It bespeaks confidence.

When asked to descend from the cross, Jesus did not

move. Were nails more powerful than the hands of the

Son of God? On several occasions when large crowds

had sought to molest Him, He escaped. Yet alone,

armed only with a whip, He had challenged the unholy

practices of a courtyard full of merchants guarded by

the temple police - and escaped unharmed. He said "I

AM" in Gethsemane, and a company of soldiers fell to

the ground.

No, it was not nails that kept Jesus on the cross, but

His love for me. For me, a non-person. Jesus loves the

Father and He loves me. "The Son of man is come to

seek and to save that which was lost" (Luke 19:10). I

prefer to be a lost sinner rather than a martyr, because it

is lost sinners He came to save.

Listen to me. The one who calls is one who always

killed those he loved, who made people shed tears and

blood. You who give life to those who hate, save one who

spreads death even upon the most beloved.

The power fails me to continue. I am hungry. I have a

high fever. My mind goes blank. I cannot put in song

Jesus' answer to my cry.

This will remain my unfinished requiem. Amen.

151

EPILOGUE

These sermons have had one subject: God as reflected in

deep human suffering. Only God is the subject.

Narrowness of scope is the only way to ensure critical

focus in spiritual matters. The waters of human nature

run deep, but if they are spread over a wide area, of

necessity they become shallow. With too many subjects

to cover, a man disperses his energy and dissipates his

vitality.

It is better to do one little thing well than to do many

things badly. Therefore I have striven to do just one

thing, to say what God is like when observed from the

perspective of an isolated subterranean prison cell and

to focus on the rapport that existed between Him and a

creature abandoned to hunger and torture. I hope this

might be helpful to others who pass through pain and

sorrow and who encounter problems of another kind.

I meant also to awaken in believers and men of good

will outside Christian circles the desire to do something

for the many thousands who are still imprisoned for

their faith.

What could you do?

I once told Isaac Feinstein, who died a martyr's death

under the Nazis, "The words of the Lord that He is 'the

way' are not of much practical use. After reading them,

you still don't know the next step. Now tell me plainly,

what is 'the way'?" He answered, "Go away." The

152

Epilogue

words would have sounded insulting were it not for his

unequalled smile. His face and gestures gave to his

words the meaning, "There is no answer to the question

'What is the way?' Jesus intended us to walk in it, not to

inquire into it."

Before Jesus said "I am the way," He had already

said, "The way ye know" (John 14:4). He is not a way

we have to learn but one with which we are acquainted.

We might not know the whole of it. We surely know the

next few steps.

I will not tell you what to do in order to show

compassion to those who today pass through the outer

and inner tempests I have known. The simple fact that

you have the desire to be helpful indicates that you need

no guide. Your own compassionate nature will guide

you.

Every step in this direction will also become a

restraint not to act. From an eternal point of view, all

activity, even holy activity, is counted among the

vanities. How can someone do something without

mixing into his purely idealistic endeavours some

egotism, some calculation, some desire to impress? Busy

yourself with good works, and you may suddenly stop

walking in the way in order to sit like Mary at the feet of

Jesus, choosing "that good part, which shall not be

taken away" rather than the busy work of Martha. You

then become a passionate lover of God, seeking to adore

Him even if He allows you to pass through terrible

circumstances, such as I have known.

The next step? You have stopped walking, and there

will be no more steps. Adoring Him, you will realise in

time that you have become more than a mere believer,

because a believer is not satisfied with worship. A young

man will not simply adore a girl lifelong. He will be

satisfied with nothing less than possessing her, uniting

153

Alone With God

with her. So you will pass from adoring God to being one

in spirit with Christ and, through Him, with the Father.

It will be God who suffers in you for His creation, but

through Him you will be at last triumphant.

With this the aim of my book will have been achieved.

God has kept these sermons in my memory in spite of

brainwashing and doping with drugs. In jail I lost all my

knowledge of music and mathematics. I forgot even the

Bible. But I remembered these sermons, because God

willed you to read them and be changed from glory to

glory in the likeness of His Son. Praise be to Him!

The words "Praise the Lord" occur in the Bible 366

times, once for every day of the year, including leap

year. The Lord had to be praised in cells infested with

rats and vermin, in days when we were badly beaten.

The Lord should be praised daily by you, too, amid the

troubles through which you pass.

Praised be the Lord! When you say it, you will realise

you knew the next step in "the way".

154

FROM THE LIPS OF CHILDREN

Richard Wurmbrand

'The Bible is meant for children. Only the children of

Israel came out of slavery in Egypt; the grown-ups stayed

behind. Only the children of God enter heaven. It will be

a country without any grown-ups.'

This observation by Richard Wurmbrand's grandson

Alex is just one of the many delightful anecdotes and

children's sayings in this attractively illustrated volume.

Children's insights sharpen adults' minds and in

collecting and commenting on them - many from behind

the Iron Curtain - Pastor Wurmbrand challenges

Christians to take seriously Jesus' teaching that his

followers must become like children.

'A delightful book that can be picked up and read at any

time... one that will not fail to bring joy... to us grown-

ups.'

Evangelism Today

'Challenges us to think about our own faith.'

Redemption

MAKING SENSE OUT OF SUFFERING

Peter Kreeft

Our world is full of billions of normal lives which have

been touched by apparently pointless and random

suffering. There can be few who have not struggled with

this seemingly insurmountable obstacle to faith. This

wise yet lively account succeeds in clarifying the issues,

tackling the problems, and presenting the Christian

answer. Glib, easy solutions are not provided: instead

Peter Kreeft draws on philosophy, art, and biblical

prophecy in seeking to understand suffering. Modernity

cannot understand suffering, the author argues, and yet

it is integral to our faith. This is not just a work of popular

philosophy; it is a profound spiritual journey ending at

the cross.

'Peter Kreeft takes up the unanswerable and carries us

inexorably to the stunning answer.'

Elizabeth Elliot

Peter Kreeft is Professor of Philosophy at Boston College,

U.S.A.

FROM PHNOM PENH TO PARADISE

Var Hong Ashe

Forced from her home in Phnom Penh when the Khmer

Rouge reign of terror engulfed Cambodia, mother-of-

two Var Hong was catapulted from a comfortable,

middle-class life into a living nightmare - the regime's

sinister 're-education' programme. Her only hope was in

her own quick thinking and the protecting power of God.

Disease, starvation and summary execution were daily

features of the new life doing back-breaking work in the

paddy fields. Many people died. But miraculously, Var

and her two daughters escaped, and became the focus of

world attention when the media took up their story.

This extraordinary testament of courage and faith

culminates in an unexpected and delightful wedding in

the Gloucestershire village of Paradise:

Var Hong Ashe is a teacher of English and currently

resides in the Sudan, where her husband is engaged in

relief work with the United Nations. She has two

daughters, Somaly and Panita, and a young son, Peter.

'I try to put into these sermons my deepest,

perhaps my ultimate dying thoughts. I preach

only because it is in my character to do so, as it is

in the nature of nightingales to sing.'

Imprisoned for three years beneath the ground in

solitary confinement, Pastor Richard Wurmbrand

composed sermons, delivered every night to an unseen

congregation. He committed them to memory by

summarising them in rhymes.

These previously unpublished sermons, the fruit of

Wurmbrand's extreme deprivations, demonstrate in a

new, personal and stimulating way the relevance of the

Bible for today and reveal unique insights into the

character of God.

Born in Romania, Jewish Christian Richard Wurmbrand

now lives in the United States. He is author oiFrom the

Lips of Children, If Prison Walls Could Speak and

Sermons from Solitary Confinement.

Table of Contents

Alone With God